A Drug
by hisprincessinblack
Summary: lily is a rocker in a band and is friends with a girl named after a drug. its their 7th year and lily is head girl. shes going to reveil her secret to the entire school, that is what shes been planning but things will happen that she hasnt planned for.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Harry potter.

Enjoy!

Disturbed by broomstick withes (freakin yeah!)

**Shes so disturbed**

**They call her disturbed yeah**

**cause she sits in a dark room  
dreams of demons and vampyres  
they call her disturbed  
cause she walks alone through  
cemetaries in the misty moonlight**

I stood staring at myself in my full length mirror. Wavy died purple hair reaches past my ribs to my tapered waist, straight across bangs died black. Round dark blue eyes outlined in black eyeliner. Black cargo pants, a rocky horror picture show tee and black and white doc martins that make me 5'7'' compared to my natural 5'5''. Dark blue lipstick.

Today I go back to Hogwarts for my 7th year. Today I finally get to see my friends. Today I finally get to be myself. Today I don't have to put up with my controlling parents and my sister that fits their 'perfect mold'. My name is Xstacie Nash and today I'm free.

"X! Lets go, we'll be late." My twin brother, Xadyn. He doesn't fit their mold. He doesn't fit any mold. Curly chocolate hair that hangs in his light chocolate eyes a self inflicted scar on his right cheek. A ratty old pair of jeans and leather bicker jacket.

**she wears piercings all over her body  
has a black tattoo of Satan on each hip  
they call her disturbed  
cause she wears black on a sunny day  
and her hair is purple and blue  
they call her disturbed**

We leave for the train station ourselves. Mother and father take their perfect little angel, Xaylie to beaubaxtons. We ride on Xay's bike and shrink it when no ones looking. Who cares about under age magic? We'll be 17 tomorrow anyway. Right off we run into Lily Evans, head girl, and my best chick friend. Fire red hair in a high pony, piercing green eyes hidden behind round white sun glasses. Already in her school uniform. She looks pretty much like all the other Hogwarts students, save her black on black converse which she refuses to ever not wear. She even wore them with the red dress last Christmas to her moms Christmas party. Her mother was pissed.

The three of us head to the heads compartment. Goody two shoes (ha-ha not!) lily Evans is head girl this year. Whoohoo head privileges! We run into the dreaded four. Ok so we never really talked to any of them but hearing about them from the gaggling giggling airhead sluts in or dorm made me want to gag when I saw them. So Remus isn't bad or at least so says lily I've never actually talked to him myself.

"Are you four thick? Heads and friends only. Unless Remus made head boy, congrats Remus." Lily speaks, because I rarely do. I'm not gonna waist my voice. And Xay, well he's practically mute. He only talks when he thinks he needs to beat up on some guy for me and lils or when were talking about the band other than that he rarely ever speaks. Me I'm a different story.

"Actually, Evans, I'm head boy. And we could say the same to you three." I almost shit myself when potter said that. Him? Head boy? I barely thought he had enough brains to find the platform let alone be head boy.

**and her parents dont understand  
her dark obsessions and her teachers  
tell them give her medications  
cause shes so disturbed  
and they put her in a straitjacket**

Rave caught up with us just before the train left the station. Short died black hair messy from jell and probably from running. Lightly Freckled cheeks tinted red and lungs panting for air. I laugh quietly at him as he burst threw the compartment door making the boys jump. We, of course, expected him because he always running late. Lily smiles and makes room for him on the bench.

"What was it this time rave?" Rave. More like R.a.v.e, his initials. **R**alphie **A**llen **V**incent **E**rvin. Really who names their kid that?! He has Muddy brown eyes outlined in black eyeliner. A bring me the horizon tee and black skinny jeans. He was sexy, like always. In my opinion sexier than Sirius black(whos apparently supposed to be the school heart throb and player, I don't see it.). He shrugs and sits in between us.

**and give her electroshock  
make her well make her like them  
shes so disturbed shes so disturbed  
and they lock her up in a padded cell  
cause they fear her eyes of fire and hell  
shes so disturbed shes so disturbed**

"It's too quiet." I say to lily after about ten minus of silence, well silence except for the whispering of the two very girly potter and black. I glare at them as they stare at me like I had two heads.

"What?" I snap my voice icy and sharp. "If you've got something to say, say it."

"Freak." Black says. I lung at him, wanting to slice his tongue off with the blade in my boot but am stopped by a barrier, my hands about a foot away from him. Glaring I unwrap Rave's arms from around my waist. I hate that word.

"Calm down, X, he's not worth it." Lily says in her soothing make-X-not-pissed-off-voice. Yeah right. It would be SO worth it if I would never have to hear his fucking voice again. Stupid man whore. I took out my baby like I was going to before black interrupted me. My beautiful, sexy guitar. I strummed some cords aimlessly, the guitar making little noise because it wasn't plugged in.

**she laughs at them with devilish eyes  
talks with demons and vampyres  
scorns her parents and teachers  
cause theyre disturbed so disturbed**

The mellowness of the song I played calmed me. I looked around the compartment. Xay was asleep; weirdo can sleep anywhere any time and all the time. I can't sleep. Ever. Stupid insomnia. Lily was reading night world for the millionth time. She loved that book. I had to admit it was my favorite muggle book too but really she has actually read it a million times. And Rave was looking at me. I raised my eyebrows.

"Nothing. You ok?" I nod.

"How was your summer, not too bad I hope?" I shrug. Actually it wasn't. I got a job at this gothic clothing store that was owned by a witch in muggle London, I was rarely home.

"Fine. Actually I got a job. Wasn't ever home."

"Can you two shut up; I'm trying to sleep here." Black growled, frustrated. I glared at him, not my most evil glare but it would do. He was so pissing me off. He turned to look out the window. I felt some what accomplished.

**they call her disturbed so disturbed  
shes so disturbed poor girl  
shes so disturbed**

God this was gonna be a long train ride. I got up, put my guitar in its case and left it on the bench. I left to go find the trolley. I was having a serious chocolate craving, come to think about it I think I'd like some bearty botts every flavor beans too.

**AUTHOR NOTE!!**

**OK SO I WILL PUT OUT MORE IN A SECOND BUT REALLY TELL ME WHAT YOU ALL THINK I NEED FEED BACK PLEASE!! AND WHAT HOUSE DO YOU THINK Xstacie should be in? idk If I want her in gryffindor, maybe ravenclaw… let me know what you think, don't be afraid to give me criticism, even bad. please **


	2. Chapter 2

As your falling down by escape the fate.

-----

Warnig! Language!

------

**As you're falling down (falling down)  
(As you're falling down)  
My heart beats the same (beats the same)  
And the tears now (tears now)  
(And the tears now)  
Run down your face**

I popped a couple of beans in my mouth, my chocolate frogs already gone, as I opened the door to the compartment. Like they would have lasted long anyway. First thing I noticed everyone but Black was gone. Second thing I noticed was Black kneeling in front of my open guitar case-

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I yell, dropping the box of bearty botts every flavor beans, they splatter on the floor. I'm stuck rooted to the spot. How could he be touching my baby, nobody but me touches her! Nobody, except Rave if I'm in a seriously good mood. What gives him the right to just go around touching peoples most prized positions? He turns his head to look at me with a sheepish grin on his face like I caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. No this was no cookie jar this was much much worse. This was going to get him sent straight to hell on earth. Then he has the audacity to strum his nasty dirty slut toughing fingers over her cords! That's it. That's what did it. I was free to move now, my rage controlling my body.

I grab the neck of my guitar in one hand and the back of his collar in the other. I pull him, with all my strength up to his feet and away from my body. I push him out of the way of my case. After I neatly put my guitar away In its case and safely up on the luggage rack it turn to him. Fire in my eyes. I was ready to kill.

**If you had class you'd throw down with me  
Drown in your fake personality  
Shattered glass and frames (Shattered glass and frames)  
Snapshots of reality  
Burnt pictures and memories  
Your heart's cold and grey**

I stalk over to him, he backs away from him. When his back hits the wall and I have him cornered I put my hand on his throat and squeeze lightly to show him I wasn't fucking around. I get as close to his face as I an being about four inches shorter than him.

"Don't you EVER touch my guitar again You have NO right to go around and toughing other peoples things. Don't ever come NEAR it again or I will cut your head off and I'm not talking about the one on your shoulders. Do you understand me?" he nods, his face a little pale and his eyes shoot to the compartment door, probably hoping someone will come in and save him.

"you think your so much better than everyone, you just go around doing whatever you want to do, no consequences because everyone thinks your so great, so funny, so sexy, so amazing! But your not! You're an egotistical arsehole and you think you're different from youre prejudous family but your not. You're just like them stalking around than castle like you own the place, judging me and my friends and anyone who isnt like you! you might need to avoid those mirrors youre so fond of looking at your self in because all you see, all I see is that your just like them. In looks And in personality." My anger faded as I ranted and by the time I was near the end my voice was down to its normal low level and I was panting slightly. Sirius looked taken aback, stunned and angry. I lowered my hand to my side and just stared at him a second and with one last half hearted glare I turned around and sat down. Arms crossed over my chest, still a little peeved about him touching my guitar.

"and if there are ANY smudge marks on her or anything less than the perfect condition I left her in I will-"

"You don't know me!" he interrupted me.

"I know enough. You preach about how your family is **prejudice**and how you're not like them yet you called me a freak earlier, that's **prejudice,** too Black!" I yell.

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"There is more than one type of prejudices in the world, Black, but one is just as bad as the other!" he knew I was right; he just didn't want to accept it.

**To whom it may concern (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
I'm the same  
And all that I've learned (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
Has faded away**

Just then, as I was standing only inches from Sirius black, having just finished screaming in his face about being prejudice, the compartment door slams open and in walks Remus lupin, Rave and my brother. I hadn't even realized I was that close to him. I remembered standing up, angry when he told me I was wrong but when had I stepped closer to him? Or did he step closer to me? oh well. I glare at black then sit down. The tree boys just stood there eyebrows raised.

"Well are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna sit down?" I snap, arms crossed over my chest.

"What was that about?" Xay asks, his voice was usually deep but now it was harsh because he thought black was trying to pull something on me. Gross.

"He touched my guitar." I spat the words out, still pissed that he did. I really would never forgive him, it would always pop up in my mind every time I looked at him or somebody mentioned him. He nodded in understanding and relaxed but Rave, who was sitting on the other side of me, gave me a look that said he didn't believe that was the whole truth. Damn him and his extremely accurate mood readings of his. He can always tell what's wrong with me, he is ultimately my best friend and I tell him everything, even stuff that lily and Xay don't know. But he left it alone, which told me it was going to be brought up later because he rarely forgot about his kind of stuff. Great, as long as I don't have to talk about it now.

**Can you tell me  
(All the lies that you have said)  
All the lies that you have said?  
So keep on lying  
(Just keep on lying to me)  
I find less beauty in life than death**

Lily and James finally came back after meeting with the prefects and yada yada boring stuff. When they entered lily gave us a funny look, probably because you could cut the tension with a dull spoon.

"Something interesting happen when we were gone?" she asked to no one in general. I just shrugged but Lupin the squealer had to say something. Damn him and his goody- goodyness.

"Yeah, but neither Sirius nor uh…"his brain spaced when he realized he didn't know my name. I let out a very unladylike snort. That's what he gets for opening his mouth in the first place.

"X, are telling us what happened." Rave finishes for him, with a smug smile in my direction. I glare at him, but he already knows that he's gonna get an ear full from me for ratting on me to mother lily. I love the girl but really.

"Yeah she did. He touched her guitar." My oh so loving and apparently emotionally receptive dense brother spoke up. This really was a lot of talking he was doing in front of people that aren't me, lily, or rave. Lily makes an o shape with her mouth and nods her head in understanding.

"What made you do something so stupid?" she asks Sirius, criticism worthy of McGonagall lathered her voice (like usual, ha-ha) Sirius glares at her from where he was pouting next to Remus.

"Don't glare at me Black! That was someone else's property! You can't just-"

"Shut up Evans!" he yells, standing up and stalking out of the compartment door. Rude prick.

"Black-"lily stats and I can see she's about to follow him to continue scolding him.

"Lily. I'll go talk to him." Lily? Since when is potter using first names with MY friend? I gave lily a scrutinizing look when she just nodded and sat down next to me. normally she would have chewed his ear off.

"Don't look at me like that X, we have to get along to be able to perform our head duties." I just raise an eyebrow at her. She just blushes and I can't believe what I'm seeing! Lily freakin likes attention from James freakin potter! My Goth lily, my drummer, my screamer! She likes the attention of a boy who walks around boasting about is quidditch skills and pranking people (ok that's funny) and shags whatever comes around! This was not my friend lily that I've known since first year! A sigh comes from my left and I look over to see rave leaning, looking exhausted, into the bench.

"This year is going to be very eventful and emotionally draining. I can feel it already." I roll my eyes and he cracks a smile. Drama queen.

**If you had class you'd throw down with me  
Drown in your fake personality  
Shattered glass and frames (Shattered glass and frames)  
Snapshots of reality  
Burnt pictures and memories  
Your heart's cold and grey**

Finally I sat down in-between lily and rave with Xay across from me at the Gryffindor table in the great hall. I thought I was going to be stuck on that train forever and I'm starving. Now all I have to do I sit threw a sorting and oh freakin no they are not going to sit there! Why is James sitting next to lily? Freaking no.

"What are you doing?" I practically hissed at him. Lily hits me on the back of the head. Fine. She can be like that. I crawled under the table and sat next to Xay so I could keep an eye on them. Just as I positioned my self in my new seat lupin sat his butt down in the seat right next to me.

"Traitor" I whisper to him. Not in a mean way, I really didn't have anything against him, except for the train incident that I was referring to but that wasn't a big deal cause mother lily bitched at Sirius instead of me, so all was good. He looked confused for a second then kinda chuckled.

**To whom it may concern (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
I'm the same  
And all that I've learned (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
Has faded away, away**

I know that the blood still stains  
and I don't feel the same  
Go!

After the great hall I ditches lily with rave and Xay because she had to do head duty things with potter and Id rather think that I ditched her than she ditched me. we sat in the common room around the fire, just lazing about until black strode in with some blond following after him trying to talk to her. he was obviously ignoring her. his head was slumped, making his hair fall in his eyes and his hands were in his pockets. He looked depressed and like he was thinking about something. Good. Come to think about it I don't think I saw him at supper, when has Sirius black ever missed a meal if it didn't have something to do with a girl? Whatever. I turned back to the fire, watching it crackle and sizzle but then the girl started whining.

"SIRI! I'm talking to you baby." Her voice was nasally and I knew if I heard much more of it I was gonna punch her in the nose to 'try and fix her voice' ha-ha that'd be a funny excuse; I wonder what McGonagall would say. I stood up and made my way over to the girl's staircase.

"Siriiiii babyyyyy!" she whined, I turned with a disgusted look on my face to see her tugging on his arm which was still in his pocket. He looked up at me with this 'save me' look on his face. Pffft! Yeah freakin right, like I was gonna save him! He was off hi rocker he did this to himself, messing with those girls' heads like that; he deserved to have some annoying voiced blond bothering the hell out of him. I turn and run up the staircase to escape having to hear her voice again, and in doing so abandoning him completely. Serves him right.

**As you're falling down (falling down)  
(As you're falling down)  
My heart beats the same  
And the tears now (tears now)  
(And the tears now)  
Run down your face**

I dug in the bottom of my trunk and pulled out my leather bound journal. Lily had made me start to write in it to help get my emotions out and to maybe get ride of some of my anger, I think it helped only a tad though. But that was in third year, I actually like writing in it now, habit I guess. I flip to a clean page and pull out a muggle pen (SO much better than a quill) and date the top right hand corner.

_To myself, _

_I was an idiot and left my guitar unattended on the train. The slimy excuse for a human being Sirius black touched it! He actually picked her up and strummed her cords right in front of me. I was SO freakin pissed. So I said some stuff and I just saw him in the common room with some slag tugging on his arm wanting attention and he looked to me for help like what the fuck? One why was he looking to me in the first place and two he did that to himself. He probably slept with her and now she thinks they have a kind of forever love. Yeah like that exists. Forever love. No. doesn't exist._

_I also had the most hilarious conversation with remus lupin tonight. Ok so not so hilarious it was pretty much just witty flirty banter but it was kinda fun. I was never really like that with anyone but rave occasionally. But I barely ever looked away from him all meal. And I'm not saying this like I think I like him or something stupid like that but maybe I'll be able to be friends or something close to that. He didn't seem to mind that my hair is purple and black and I was wearing blue lipstick and had on black and white combat boots. I don't think he cares about stuff like that. So maybe we could be on speaking terms, I don't know well see he might do something to piss me off. Because we all know that's really easy to do. (I was surprised at our conversation because I usually don't talk ever so that I can save my voice for when the band practices in the ROR, speaking of which I wonder when we'll be practicing this year, I know lily is going to have some big surprise for us, shes been planning on spilling our secret to the whole school since we made the band. If we start having practice everyday, I'm SO cutting back even more of my talking. So maybe Remus and I wont be on talking terms because I'd rather be behind that microphone singing then talk meaningless things any day.)_

_Well night night here comes lily._

**To whom it may concern (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
I'm the same  
And all that I've learned (You stayed the same **_**[x3]**_**)  
Has faded away, away**

"Hey lils" I say rolling over from tucking my journal under my mattress.

"Hey X." she says staring to change into her pjs. I too large black button up and her underwear. I get up and do the same putting on my off the shoulders black sweater that was giant **[A/N: Think like an 80's sweater that ppl used to cut the neck lines out of to make them wider so they hung off the shoulders and they would wear the over leggings as dresses] **on me.

"I already talked to Rave and Xay. I want to practice every night after curfew which is 9 pm to 1 in the morning except Sundays, ok?"

"Sure. Starting tomorrow?" she nods and crawls in bed. I pull on a pair of short black cotton short and slip on my converse. Our other room mates were all huddling on two beds talking about their summers, so I slipped unnoticed out of the room and down the staircase. The common room was empty; everyone was getting ready for bed or chatting about their summer. What was there really to chat about? Don't people usually talk about that stuff on the train? I barely said like eight words about my summer.

I took one last look around the common room and slipped out of the portrait unnoticed.

**To whom it may concern (Can you tell me?)  
I'm the same (You stayed the same)  
And all that I've learned (As you're falling down)  
Has faded away (You stayed the same)  
Away, away **


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Harry potter.

Scar tissue by: the red hot chili peppers (hate the band other than this song.)

**Scar tissue that I wish you saw  
Sarcastic mister know it all  
Close your eyes and I****'****ll kiss you ****'****cause****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view**

The Hogwarts halls were quiet and deserted save the occasional teacher on patrol after the prefects and heads all went to bed. I loved to hear the sounds of the castle as I walked in the darkness, my fingertips grazing over the stone walls as I walked. It was peaceful and made me feel blissful, like there was nothing to worry about in the world. My mind wondered to the band. I loved practicing with them. There was nothing I would rather do than play my guitar and stand behind the mic and sing my heart and soul out.

**Push me up against the wall  
Young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra  
Fallin****'**** all over myself  
To lick your heart and taste your health ****'****cause****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view...**

"What are you doing out of bed Nash?" I whirl on the spot to see black sitting on a window sill, his forehead resting against the glass, stained with rain from the storm raging outside.

"Could ask you the same thing." I grumble. Why did I have to run into him? Why not somebody tolerable. I let out a soft snarl and turn to walk away.

"wait." And I do. I don't know why. But I don't turn around. I can hear him slid off the sill and I can feel his presence behind me.

"I've been thinking about what you said." He said in an obvious tone, like I'm supposed to forgive him for his prejudice ness right then and there. Like I want to forgive him. Really it's his business; I was just bringing it to his attention.

"Yeah. So?" I say it like what he said meant nothing to me, because it did; mean nothing I mean.

"I don't know." I let out this sort of laugh, this sort of scoff. This was stupid. What did any of this mean? Nothing. It means nothing. It has no point, no significance, he's just telling me. Suddenly I feel like this is a waist of time, standing there him trying to talk to me. So I walk away.

**Blood loss in a bathroom stall  
Southern girl with a scarlet drawl  
Wave good-bye to ma and pa ****'****cause****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view **

When got back to the common room, Remus was sitting in front of the fire. Freakin A! These people are freakin everywhere. I try to make it to the staircase unnoticed. I fail as I trip over nothing and stumble into the back of the couch. Yeah, I'm smooth.

"Hey Xstacie, you ok?" he asks, turned in his seat concern on his face. I stand up and cross my arms. Yeah Fine. Oh wait I'm supposed to say that out loud.

"Yeah fine." I grumble. Geez. I'm tense, I need a good loud play on my guitar. I can't wait until tomorrow night. Tonight's just gonna freakin drag out too.

"What are you doing up?" he asks, looking to the portrait hole, a wired look on his face. I turn and see no one.

"insomnia." I say. He nods.

"You don't talk much, do you?" he asks. Then I can tell he wishes he didn't. He probably thought he had offended me. I just shrug. I have my reasons…or rather reason. He nods again.

"Why?" I raise an eyebrow at him and he automatically apologizes.

**Soft spoken with a broken jaw  
Step outside but not to brawl  
Autumn****'****s**** sweet we call it fall  
I****'****ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view...**

I found myself on the couch next to him,, curled up against the arm rest, my arms wrapped around my knees and just talking. I liked it and in the back of my mind I kept telling my self that I was gonna hate myself when my thought started hurting tomorrow at practice and I should just save myself the trouble but it was so easy to talk to him and its not like I was gonna get to sleep anytime soon. We probably talked for about two hours and when we were talking the air wasn't awkward it was just silent. I stood up.

"I'm going to bed." He nods and stands up too, yawning.

"Yeah, me too." About that time Sirius comes stalking threw the portrait hole and looks at us like we have to heads.

"What?" I snap. This kids existence pisses me off. He looks at Remus questioningly.

"Something I can help you with Sirius?" Sirius just heads up the boys stairs grumbling. I laugh.

"You're really polite."

"and you're quite vulgar and defensive." I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Sorry I-" I laugh.

"I don't care Remus. I know I am. But I was complementing you." I say and head up the girls staircase.

Finally sleep as little sleep I get, I love it. Sleep makes life go faster.

**Scar tissue that I wish you saw  
Sarcastic mister know it all  
Close your eyes and I****'****ll kiss you ****'****cause****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view  
With the birds I****'****ll share****  
This lonely view... **


	4. Chapter 4

Nazi halo by jack off Jill (love this band!)

I don't own Harry potter. Nor do I own

**Take a souvenir and stop your staring  
Just cause I'm screaming  
Don't mean I'm sharing  
Can't keep my mouth shut  
if you keep that dress on  
You can't negotiate  
Not with me this time**

Classes seemed to take forever. But passed relatively like usual. Except when James insisted he sit next to lily in ancient runes, the only class I have with her because she insists on taking advanced everything! I was pissed. What was he getting ate? But lily told me to let it go. She told me to let it go because she wanted to sit with him. God this year was going to hell already. I ended up sitting next to my brother, which ended up working in my favor because I didn't have to talk.

**you go so low  
your faggot rainbow  
your Nazi Halo  
won't save you this time**

Finally I had my beautiful baby in my hands and I was standing behind a microphone in the room of requirements. Finally I was able to play away my worries. Lily started to play, started the song and I got lost in the bets of her drums. I waited for my signal to start to sing. Xay stared in on his base to my right and Rave was already jamming on his guitar to my left. I felt at peace. I smiled and sang. Lily screaming the words I sang right after me. She was a brilliant screamer; she wouldn't look like it especially if you heard her sing. Her singing voice was crap but man could she scream.

**Bring your IQ and try to understand  
Just cause I'm listening  
Don't mean we're still friends  
Can't fix my problem  
You crossed a thin line  
You can't just work it out  
not with me this time**

We were there for hours practicing song after song, all which we had memorized almost perfectly, but it only felt like minutes. When we finally left the RoR, I felt lighter than when I had entered. playing did that to me. Made me feel free.

"I'm so excited. As head girl I get to plan the graduation dance and I'm SO booking us to play. I can finally stop this perfect, friendly girl act and be more of myself." This was one of the things I didn't like about lily, she hide herself. And yeah I guess we all do, I do, but I mean she wears her uniform all the time so she doesn't have to wear her regular clothes in front of these people its like she's ashamed and afraid of what they'll say. She has a ton of friends outside of rave, Xay and I but they aren't real. Not like us.

It was past curfew so we took hidden passageways to avoid teachers and a detention. We always did. I followed behind lily, keeping my eyes down looking at the narrow path beneath my feet. Rave and Xay somewhere behind me.

A scream. My head snaps up to see a much started potter with a very amused lily in his hands. I raised an eyebrow at him and he let go of her arms and cleared a throat.

"Wow potter I had thought a girl had spotted a mouse or something and I was going to have to kill it." Lily says crossing her arms, still very amused. I snicker at her joke and hear a bark like laugh behind potter. I squint my eyes to see who it was. Black. Just freakin Great.

"What are you four doing out of bed."

"We could ask you the same." Rave says from behind me. Potter pales and averts his eyes. What were they up to? EW. I probably don't want to know.

"Right lets just head back to the common room." He says, trying to avoid the question and lily's piercing eyes.

"That's where we were headed. Where were you two going?" lily says. Great were going to be stuck here al freakin night because SHE wants to know what James freakin potter was doing out of bed. She better not spill the secret this early, it will ruin all our planning (aka: her planning our silent nodding in agreement.)

Whatever I'm going to bed. I shove past James and Sirius and head back to the deserted common room.

**you go so low  
your faggot rainbow  
your junkie ego  
won't save you this time**

you go so low  
your tragic disco  
your Nazi Halo  
won't save you this time

"X wait up! God!" I hear Rave yell behind me. I had just exited the passage way.

"How long have you been following me?

"The whole way."

"sorry." He shrugs and falls in step beside me. We walk in silence. I don't think he minds, though Raves a talker, he knows I'm not. Usually he just babbles about what's on his mind and then asks me questions I can nod to or shake my head. That's why I love him (like a bro.).

"It's kinda weird how we always seem to get thrown together with potter and black. Or rather you and lily do, Xay and I are just along for the ride." I raise my eye brow at him. What was he babbling about now? He always did this, babbled on and on and you wouldn't have a clue what he was talking about until the end and then it all made so much sense you wonder why you didn't get it in the beginning and then you realize it's because your brain just doesn't think as coolly as his does. He really has a wired way of looking at things, but that's one of his best qualities.

"I'm talking about fate. Destiny, X." I give him this look." don't give me that look. I know you don't believe in this stuff. But it's there; X. Fate and destiny are pushing you and lily towards potter and black. Look at what happened on the train. When we all walked in you two were inches apart." Was he blind? Or ignorant? Yeah ignorant maybe. "if you two weren't about to kiss then what happened?" the undertone in his voice told me he didn't really think I was about to kiss black, it was just his incredibly sick way of getting the truth out of me. I should have expected this from him.

"You're an arse you know that?" I say running my hand threw my hair and tugging on it roughly.

"Yeah but you love me."

"You're lucky I do or I wouldn't put up with shit tricks like this." I joke, he just shrugs.

"So?" he nudges me.

"Nothing really. He did touch my guitar. So naturally I nearly killed him. I was yelling at him about how it was my property and he had no right to touch it. Then I was suddenly yelling at him for being prejudice like his family but prancing around the halls being all self rightist because he thinks he's not like them."

"That's it?" I shrug.

"Then he undermined me. Told me I was wrong." His mouth makes a perfect o shape. I hated that, when people told me I was wrong it means they think they're better than me, they think that they know more. I'm not saying I know everything. I just don't like people under minding me Is all.

"He pisses me off to no end." Rave shrugs.

"I still think its fate." I punch him lightly in the arm.

"No really. You could have to help him in some big epiphany thing or you could fall in love-"I punched him hard that time.

"No way in hell." I say in a deadly tone and briskly walk down the hall.

**You're so predictable no shadow of doubt  
when you are suffering know who sold you out  
Fuck your opinions  
Fuck your lack of spine  
When you are miserable  
Know that I'm just fine**

_Journal, _

_Rave thinks that fate is pushing me to fall in love with Sirius black gag me he probably has an STD or something from banging all the slags in school. he's so infuriating. He makes me mad just by being around him. I loathe his existence. I'd rather be paired with his brother; at least regulus has manners even if he is a death eater. Anyway just saying, not going to happen. Well lily just walked in. I'm gonna see what happened with potter cause I'm sure she's gonna want to talk girl talk. Ugh. _

"Hey lils. You stayed out late." I say.

"Only cause you ditched me."

"pfft. Yeah only because I didn't want to see you and potter do it right there on the floor." She looks at me horrified and red faced.

"XSTACIE OHPILIA NASH!" she shrieks. "I would NEVER!" I'm rolling on my bed laughing my ass off at her embarrassment. Lily is such a prude.

"Only joking lil. But really what happened after I left?" she shrugs, but is blushing. Oh god here it comes.

"Well Sirius left after you and rave did and Xay disappeared probably before you left. Ss we were alone-"

"Oh my god lily you did do it!" she throws a pillow, hitting me in the face.

"Be serious, X. no. but… he did ask me to sit with them at meals with them."

"Oh lils! I don't want to eat near those pigs!" she glares at me and I shut my mouth. I stick my tongue out at her and roll under my covers. Damn and I actually used to semi-enjoy my meals.

**You go solo  
your faggot rainbow  
your junkie ego  
won't save you this time**

you go solo  
your tragic disco  
your Nazi Halo  
won't save you this time__


	5. Chapter 5

**"Indie Sux, Hard-Line Sux, Emo Sux, You Suck!" by the sex pistols **

**I don't own Harry potter. **

**The indie kids are a bunch of snobs,  
they complain my timing's all off,  
I think timing is for stupid fucks  
why do they think I play punk rock!!!  
Steve Albini playing god of indie heaven,  
stupid dorks keeping time in seven and eleven!**

I look around the great hall. Everyone I there click, chatting and stuffing their faces full of sausage. I sat next to rave and Xay with lily diagonally to my left next to potter and Remus in front of me with Sirius to my diagonal right and peter next to my brother. I was smack dab in the middle of them and I was going nowhere lily would be pissed if I bailed on her. So I focused on all the little groups people formed. Even the nerds have friends here. I don't fit in like everyone else does here. Sure I have my friends. But I don't talk. I melt into the background, I don't smile either. Not really. When was the last time I truly smiled? Not one of those fake ones you put on when someone asks you that you're ok. But a real true smile? Have I ever smiled one of those? The only place I belong is with my guitar I my hands and I'm standing behind that mic singing my soul to the universe.

I feel a pair of eyes on me, but I tell myself I'm being stupid because who would be looking at the quiet Goth girl that never talks, never smiles and is always angry unless it was in complete disgust. I shove some bacon into my mouth and get up.

"I'm heading to the library." I tell lily when she gives e a look that says you-better-sit-the-fuck-down-you-are-so-not-abandoning-me. She nods and I'm aloud to leave. I'm free. I'm free. I try not to sprint out of the great hall.

**Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck!  
Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck! **

I pick me a nice secluded spot in the library with an armchair to sit in. I relax into it opening the muggle book I stole from lily called 'marked'. I had already finished the series but I'm reading it again anyway. I had about twenty minutes until classes started. I could get halfway threw it.

**I'm not a vegan and i have had sex,  
so some hard-line kids tried to kick my ass  
if you're not like them they want to clean your clock  
they're nothing but a bunch of jocks!  
they're anti-choice, they're fascist youth,  
their songs all sound like metal tunes! **

I end up being late to first class, earning me a detention and a hard glare from lily. Well pfft to hr. like I care she can just go run to Mr. Potter and complain about how unpunctual I am. Geez, Think I have a chip on my shoulder?

After classes lily rattles on about how her and James want to be friends so I'm just going to have to learn to be nice to him. Well fine I can be nice to HIM but that doesn't mean I have to be nice to Black. No way in hell.

"Hey lils." James says sitting under the big tree by the lake next to lily, his whole crew trailing behind. Ugh. This was the of the only peaceful places during the day and he just had to go and ruing that. Jerk. Remus sits next to me.

"Hey Xstacie." He says in his kind, soft voice. I smile.

"Xstacie? What kind of name is that?" its blacks voice. I turn my head to see him leaning against the tree with a very black family approved sneer on his face.

"It's not."

"What?"

"If you must fucking know it's not actually a name you prick!"

"So you don't have a name?"

"Yeah its my name dumb ass but its not a name it's a thing. I was named after a thing. Not like its any of you're fucking concern. Like Sirius is a common name. It's a freakin star for Christ sakes! Real normal!" I say sarcasm dripping from my voice. I was really kinda sensitive about my name. It's a drug, ecstasy, but my parents spelled it different but that doesn't change the fact that my mom was addicted to it before and during her pregnancy with me. It's a touchy subject for me.

"It's better than '_XSTACIE'_." I'm standing now, fists clenched and everyone is trying to ignore us because this has become a regular occurrence between me and him, fighting over anything and everything, ever since lily decided she wanted to be friends with his best mate.

"Fuck you!" I say and storm back to the castle, forgetting my bag in the process. Normally I would have stayed and fought but I don't like fighting about my name. It's my NAME! For gods' sake, its not like I CHOSE it, it's just what I was given.

**Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck!  
Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck!**

"Xstacie. Wait up." I hear someone call from behind me. I turn. Its Remus. And he has my bag. I half smile at him.

"Here he says." I take the bag from him.

"Thanks" I mumble and turn to walk away.

"I'm sorry…about Sirius. He just…"his sentence trails off. He's just a jerk. A prick. An arsehole. A lousy excuse for a human being. A waist of air.

"don't worry bout it Remus." I say and turn to leave again.

"I-I like your name." he says. I stop walking and turn.

"You don't have to say that Remus. It really doesn't matter and call me X, everyone else does."

"No really, I do. It's different, you know. Not like everybody else's. Its way better than something unoriginal like Ashley, or Sarah or Britney..." he's babbling and let out I small critical laugh.

"It's a drug Remus. A muggle drug. My mother was addicted to it." I say and turn around quickly and briskly walk down the hall and turn the corner. I've never told anyone that besides rave. Not even lily. I wonder what he thinks. I wonder what he would have said to that.

**But what about punk rock?  
What about punk rock? Hahahaha **

Everyone's sitting in the common room. Well everyone except lily and potter and lupin. Oh and black left with some girl on his arm. Probably heading to a broom closet or something. Yuck. So it was just me, rave, and Xay who was reading which really made it only me and Xay. He was painting my toe nails purple while I painted my fingernails black. That's another reason why I love him, he'll paint my toes.

"So what do you think fate has in store for you?" I ask. I don't really know why, maybe it's because he's quiet and rave is rarely quiet. He smiles wistfully.

"I don't know." His voice is dreamy.

**I've been told emo songs are deep,  
which translates into really weak!!!!!  
all they ever do is cry,  
did something get caught in their eyes?  
I just can't understand it all,  
even I don't always bawl..**

"It's disgusting! Nobody wants to see it!" I yell, flailing my arms around wildly. We were all heading to the great hall for supper and we ran into black with his tongue sown some chicks throat right in front of the great hall. I lost my appetite when I saw it. He had her pushed up against the wall and was groping her all freakin over. I mean really!

"You're just jealous, Nash!"

"Jealous? More like nauseated! I had wanted to eat before I saw that!" the girl had scurried away after I had started yelling.

"And you lost me my date. You cost me a good night's shag!" we were in each others faces, red faced and furious at each other.

"And you cost me a MEAL! I couldn't really give a shit about your sex life black!" how dare he take away my want for food! i was craving mashed potatoes but now! Now I cant eat them!

"You're only mad because you don't HAVE a sex life. Who'd want to screw the freaky Goth chick that only opens her mouth to insult people and condescends them! The freak who wears blue lipstick and boots! And has purple hair and freakishly wide blue eyes that she covers in black make up! You're a freak! An outcast! Nobody would ever want to get anywhere near you!" I pulled back my fist and punched him square in the eye. He nearly falls to the ground from the force of the blow.

"Dyke!" he spits, clutching his left eye. I punch him again, this time in the gut making him keel over in pain then I knee butt him in the nose, red gushing to the floor.

"FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING MAN-WHORE!" I yell and stalk off to the room of requirements. I need to play. And a place to yell. And maybe cry? I can feel tears prickling my eyes as I hear lily scream at, now already turning the corner. No I wont cry. Never about something has HE said. He can go to hell because believe it or not. I'm not a virgin. I just don't screw around every night or broad cast it to the whole fucking world like he does.

**Boohoohoo... my girlfriend dumped me  
And I'm really really hurt...**

The next day lily told me about how Xay beat the living shit out of Black. He was rushed to the hospital wing by a teacher, all bloodied up from head to toe and Xay has six months worth of detentions and he's not aloud to go on any hogsmeads trips, like he ever went before. I'm disappointed that I dint get to see it. But I don't say anything. I refuse to say anything anymore if I'm not singing. Ever.

**Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck!  
Indie sux, hard-line sux, emo sux, you suck!  
They sux! you suck! they sux! you suck  
They sux you suck they sux you suck  
They sux you suck they sux you suck  
They suck...**


	6. Chapter 6

Bad reputation by Joan jett and the black hearts (best song ever)

I don't own Harry potter.

Remus' pov

**I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation  
You're living in the past it's a new generation  
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's  
What I'm gonna do  
An' I don't give a damn ' bout my bad reputation**

I watched her as she stared around the hall, taking in everyone. What did she see? And what is that look on her face? In her eyes? She's in deep thought. What is she thinking? She's not like any other girl I've met. First off she has purple hair. And her eyes are a gorgeous shimery dark blue, like Safire's. She doesn't keep up with the latest trends; she just wears what she likes and doesn't care about what other people think about her clothes. She doesn't talk a lot and I wonder why? Her brother doesn't either, is it a family thing? Does something happen at home that makes them like this? Her like this? She always seems angry. She didn't that first diner when we exchanged playful banter or that night we both stayed up in front of the fireplace. I want to know everything about her. I want to know what makes her the way she is. What makes her her. She doesn't fit in with everyone else. Neither do I. the only place I feel at home is behind a book, or in the class room. Where does she feel safe, at home, and accepted? I watch her lips as she chews on the two lip rings in the middle of her bottom lip. Did those hurt? What made her get them? I wonder what her smile would look like, a real smile not one of those fake ones you give to everyone else but a true happy smile. She gets up after shoving some bacon in her blue painted lips and mumbles something to lily. I miss it; I'm too busy staring at her lips. Blue. How odd. She wears it everyday, unless she changes it to black every once in a while. Is blue her favorite color or is purple? I watch her leave the great hall, walking at a fast pace. She can't wait to get away from everyone. This place makes her feel uncomfortable. Like me, she is forced to sit in a crowded room full of people that she doesn't feel at all connected to in anyway shape or form. She's like an outcast here, like me, she only comes for the food.

**Oh no  
No no no no no  
Not me me me me me**

Even in my classes, my sanctuaries –or at least one of my sanctuaries-, I think about her. Why does she have to plague my mind all the time? Her creamy pail skin, small tapered waist, long flowy soft hair, glittery eyes that always seem lost somewhere, plump blue lips with dangerous metal. How would it feel to kiss her and have those touching my lips? I shake my head I'm such a pervert. I sound like a love sick puppy. I sound like Sirius when he doesn't get laid in a while. Ugh. Sirius. He despises her. Loathes her and her him. They fight whenever they see each other, over anything and everything and each always has to win. I push her from my mind and try to focus on my work.

**An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation  
Never said I wanted to improve my station  
An' I'm only doin' good  
When I'm havin' fun  
An' I don't have to please no one  
An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my bad reputation **

Us four meet up after classes and James is intent on finding lily. Which means we'll find Xstacie too. And I get excited and I have to suppress a smile. Sirius is gloomy, has his hands stuck in his pockets and his head down. He hates her. What had happened on the train?

We find them sitting under a tree by the lake. James is first to sit down, right next to lily.

"Hey lils." Xstacie glares at him and faces back towards the glittering water. I sit down next to her.

"Hey Xstacie." I Say and smile.

"Xstacie? What kind of name is that?" my smile fades. He just had to open his mouth. I sigh.

"It's not." She says with a dangerous undertone. Here comes another big fight.

"What?" yeah it did really make since to me either. What did she mean by 'it's not.'? It's not her name? Maybe just a nickname? Usually she would have said something a little more witty too.

"If you must fucking know it's not actually a name you prick!"

"So you don't have a name?"

"Yeah it's my name dumb ass but it's not a name it's a thing. I was named after a thing. Not like its any of you're fucking concern. Like Sirius is a common name. It's a freakin star for Christ sakes! Real normal!" she's cussing more than she normally would. She's really worked up over this name thing. Sirius is just being cocky, normally she would have said something about his attitude or something to shut him up, but she's just fueling the fire… what is it about her name that makes her so worked up? I like her name. It's different, like her. It is her. I couldn't picture her as anything different than Xstacie.

"It's better than '_XSTACIE'_." She's standing, her fists clenched and I think she going to punch him and I want to tell her to ignore him and her name is perfect for her and not to worry about it but I stay quiet.

"Fuck you!" she screams, defeated and he's won and he knows it. He has a cocky expression on his face and _I_ want to smack it off. She storms away leaving her school bag next to me. I look at her then back at it. I pick it up and sling it over my shoulder then glare at Sirius. Why does he have to be this way to her?

"What's your problem?" I ask him, my voice hard, angry and he looks a little shocked at my tone. I hurry after her.

**Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not me**

I don't give a damn  
'Bout my reputation  
I've never been afraid of any deviation  
An' I don't really care  
If ya think I'm strange  
I ain't gonna change  
An' I'm never gonna care  
'Bout my bad reputation

"Xstacie. Wait up." I call almost running after her; she's just about to round the corner. She turns with a hard expression on her face that says back-off-or-get-hurt but then it softens a little.

"here." I hand her bag out to her and she takes it. I couldn't think of something better to say? God I'm a loser.

"Thanks" she mumbles, and she looks a little defeated and broken but she collects herself and is that strong girl I met at diner but now she's about to walk away. I have to say something. Let her know that Sirius is just crap and her name is perfect for her. She's perfect.

"I'm sorry…about Sirius. He just…" and I can't think of what to say because Sirius is my friend and under it all he's a good guy I shouldn't have even opened my stupid mouth.

"Don't worry bout it Remus." She says and turns again but I want to say more, I need to make her feel better, need to make her smile. A real smile. I want to see her eyes light up.

"I-I like your name." if that counts for anything. She stops walking and turns again. Maybe I _can_ make her smile.

"You don't have to say that Remus. It really doesn't matter and call me X, everyone else does." maybe I _can't_ make her smile. Why is she so sad? It was just Sirius, she's never been so affected by him before or maybe she has and we just never see it, maybe she hides it all underneath. I have to prove to her I mean it. That her name is just for her, nobody else could pull it off but I don't know how to say it.

"No really, I do. It's different, you know. Not like everybody else's. Its way better than something unoriginal like Ashley, or Sarah or Britney..." that was dumb. She lets out this laugh and I think I made her mad. I really shouldn't have said anything.  
"It's a drug Remus. A muggle drug. My mother was addicted to it." She says harshly, like she's shoving it in my face, like she's challenging me to find something good in it now. But I do. It's a drug and to me she's a drug. I can't stop thing about her even if I wanted to I'm addicted to her and I barely know her. One talk at dinner and I was hooked, forever. She's gone know, walked away before I could say anything. I wonder what I would have said if she had stayed. Probably something dumb.

**Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not me**

Hello boys!

**An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my reputation  
The world's in trouble  
There's no communication  
An' everyone can say  
What they want to say  
It never gets better anyway  
So why should I care  
'Bout a bad reputation anyway  
Oh no, not me  
No no, not me**

Were all walking to dinner. Xstacie a little in front of us, commenting on how starving she is every couple of minutes. I have to smile at her. She's in a better mood and acts like nothing ever happened. And I'm just glad she talking to me. She's probably in a better mood because Sirius isn't here.

"Oh! My! Freakin god! My eyes!!!" Xstacie yells and I look in front of her to see Sirius had a girl pushed up against the wall and he had his tongue down her throat. I wrinkle my nose.

"Well so much for diner! Do you really have to do that here black? People WANT TO eat you know!" she yells, the girl Sirius was making out with scurries away, frightened by Xstacie's booming voice and fierce attitude.

"It's disgusting! Nobody wants to see it!" she continues, flailing her arms about for emphasis. Lily and James roll their eyes at her and peter winces every time she yells. He's afraid of her and lily and James are just used to it and as sick of it as I am.

"You're just jealous, Nash!" Sirius says cockily.

"Jealous? More like nauseated! I had wanted to eat before I saw that!" we all did.

"And you lost me my date. You cost me a good night's shag!" he was yelling. Good god he could find another one in less than a minute if he wanted to. He just wanted to fight with her. Did he like getting her angry? Did he like her? I shook the thought from my brain. No they hate each other.

"And you cost me a MEAL! I couldn't really give a shit about your sex life black!"

"You're only mad because you don't HAVE a sex life. Who'd want to screw the freaky Goth chick that only opens her mouth to insult people and condescends them! The freak who wears blue lipstick and boots! And has purple hair and freakishly wide blue eyes that she covers in black make up! You're a freak! An outcast! Nobody would ever want to get anywhere near you!" I would. I do. I hated Sirius for saying that. I could see a hurt expression cross her blue eyes. But she keeps going; she won't let him win for the second time today. She pulls back her fist and hits him right in the eye. I could tell she hit hard when Sirius almost fell to the floor. Lily gasped and James stood with his mouth agape. I was impressed with her. Peter had scurried into the great hall for food. Lily was red faced with anger at what Sirius had said.

"Dyke." Sirius spits and I want to punch him too and tell Xstacie that nothing he said was true and just wrap her in my arms and hold her. She punches him again, in the gut this time and he doubles over she then proceeds to knee him in the nose making blood gush on the floor.

"FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING MAN-WHORE!" I hate how upset he can make her. With one word he can set her off into a spiral of curse words and he knows it and he went way too far this time. He should never have said those things even if he really thought them. None of them were true, she wasn't a freak, she was just different, unique and that's why I sat next to her at that dinner, she wasn't like all of those other girls who only cared about makeup and boys. I hate him and I want to punch him too. But her brother beats me to it. He lunges forward and grabs him by the neck picking him up off the floor and slams him into the wall while lily yells and screams at him.

"You have no idea what you have done!" Xaydn punches him. "You don't know her! More punches and grunting noises of pain from Sirius. James tries to comfort lily and make her stop yelling he knows Sirius deserves this and if he doesn't then he knows he couldn't stop her brother anyway, I just watch him get what he deserves. "She's way better than you! Way better than those whores you sleep around with!" more punches and then Sirius falls to the floor.

"You have no right to be like this to her!" a kick this time. He's really bloody now. "You're prejudice and just like your family you piece of shit!" she screams and I can see tears rolling down her face. I think she's done yelling now. She sobs and turns into James embrace uttering things I can't understand. I watch Xaydn kick him again and turn my head when more blood appears. Then he stops and glares at Sirius, then he leaves to eat.

"He'll need to be taken to the hospital wing." James says and I look at him, surprised. He's still hugging lily, which means I have to do it. Glaring, I pick Sirius up and sling his arm over my shoulder and help him walk, supporting most of his weight.

"Fucking bitch." He says after spiting out some blood.

"You deserved it. And she's not a bitch." I say. He laughs a bark of disbelief.

"Everything I said is true." I drop him to the floor.

"I think you can manage on your own from here" I say. I can't be near him right now.

"Well it is. She's a freak moony." I look away from him.

"What you like her?" he laughs when I don't say anything. "Perfect the freak and the werewolf." I glare. I can't believe he just said that! Sirius had always been so...So... Comforting and supportive. Is this how he really felt or was he just mad? I start to head back down the stairs.

"No moony wait! I'm sorry! I didn't mean that! You know you're my friend. I'm sorry." Sighing I turn and pick him back up. I can't just leave him like that all bloodied up.

We walk I silence together after he apologies again and thanks me.

"You shouldn't have said those things though." I say softly.

"You really do like her?" I shake my head. I didn't want him to know that. I had ignored the fact that I was a werewolf, I shouldn't get any closer to her I could hurt her. I would never be able to live with my self. What if when or if she found out she got freaked and hated me? I don't think I could live with that either.

"But she's my friend. And you know how taken James is with lily…" I say hoping he believes it. He does.

"Yeah. I don't see why lily is friends with her. They're different. Lily isn't a freak like her or those other two." I just shake my head nothing can get threw his thick skull when he's like this.

Finally we make it to the hospital wing and I leave him only to remember that he would tell Madame Pomfery who exactly did that to him. It was too late now; I was already back at the dining hall, he'd have told her by now. I wonder what Xaydn's punishment would be. Expulsion? Suspension?

**I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation  
You're living in the past  
It's a new generation  
An' I only feel good  
When I got no pain  
An' that's how I'm gonna stay  
An' I don't give a damn  
'Bout my bad reputation**

**Oh no, not me  
Oh no, not  
Not me, not me**


	7. Chapter 7

Wer schon sein will muss Leiden by oomph (gotta love German metal! I have translations!) Translations from: From: 

I don't own Harry potter.

**Warum hast Du so große Augen  
Warum hast Du so straffe Haut  
Warum hast Du so große Brüste  
Warum bist Du so gut gebaut**

**Why do you have so big eyes?  
Why do you have so taut skin?  
Why do you have so big breasts?  
Why are you so well-built? **

X's pov

Black spent the next two days in the hospital. It was the most peaceful two days in my life! It was like heaven. There was no black and some tramp snogging up some wall every time I turned a corner. There was no black annoying me with his arrogance, prejudiceness and idiocy. It was glorious. Only two things could have made it better. 1. No stupid classes. Those things bore me to death! I could have more fun banging my head on a table all day. 2. No James. Lily seems to be spending more and more time with him. I mean she already has to do patrolling with him! Why must she plaque my day with his existence? Xay doesn't complain about his detentions though. He knows it could have been worse. I don't know what would have happened to the band if he had been suspended or expelled. It would have ruined our planes completely. Lily would probably kill him the next time she saw him if he had gotten expelled.

Finally classes ended and I met up with lily by the lake. James is already there. They were laughing and they did look good together. I stop walking to them as this thought pops into my head. They do. They're perfect together. And they seem to connect perfectly. What do I have against potter? Besides the fact that he barely recognized her existence before the train ride? And besides the fact that he's stealing her away from us? I watch him watch her play in the lake water with her fingers, tracing pictures like she always does. Admiration fills his hazel eyes and I can't hate him completely because right then I could actually tell that he cares for her. How much? I don't know. Will they ever be something? I don't know? Would they last? I don't know but I can't hate him for liking her. Well I could but then I wouldn't be a very good friend to lily.

"Hey lily, James." I say nodding to each as I sit down. They both stare at me like I was insane.

"Um…X? You feeling ok?" lily asks feeling my forehead.

"Yeah fine." I say swatting away her hand and they both let it go at that. I'm glad I don't really want to repeat my epiphany I had two seconds ago. That would be embarrassing. For me and for potter.

**Großmutter, Großmutter  
warum bist Du noch so jung **

**Grandmother, Grandmother,  
Why are you still so young? **

Everyone is sitting around the ire in the common room doing homework. I hate homework and I hate lily for making me do it.

"I hope it snow soon." Rave says coming in threw the portrait. We all look at him.

"It's barely even chilly out, Rave." Lily comments

"So. I think it'll get real cold real soon." He says sitting on the couch next to me.

"Looks like another early winter." I say and turn back to my potions essay.

"Ugh. I hate winter! Why do you always have to be right Rave?"

"What are you thee going on about?" potter asks, looking between the three of us.

"Rave can always predict when it's turning seasons. So far he hasn't been wrong and this started first year." Lily answers.

"Whenever rave says 'its gonna start getting cold.' You're gonna want to put on an extra jacket." I finish. Not looking up from my essay.

"And he's never wrong?" Remus asks from my left.

"Nope." Rave says cockily.

**Wer schön sein will muss leiden, mein Kind  
Die Welt wird Dich beneiden, mein Kind  
Weißt du nicht, wer seine Seele an die Hölle verkauft  
wird immer jung sein, schön und schlank mit flachem Bauch  
und ich weiß, dass willst Du auch**

**Those who want to be beautiful must suffer, my child  
The world will envy you, my child  
Do you not know, who sells his soul to Hell  
Will always be young, beautiful and slim with a slim stomach  
And I know that you want that, too**

Saturday morning, breakfast was completely ruined when none other than the dreaded Black walks into the great hall.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I say when I spot him.

"What?" lily asks then look at the doors.

"oh." She says in a disgusted voice.

"Well my appetite is gone." I say putting down my bacon just as black sits on the other side of potter meaning he was diagonally to my left.

"What catch a glance of your self in the mirror this morning?" black asks filling his plate. Jerk.

"No. I saw you." I spit out. He makes an ugly face at me and I win.

**Warum hast Du so schlanke Beine  
Warum hast Du so volles Haar  
Warum hast Du so dicke Lippen  
Warum bist Du so sonderbar**

**Why do you have so skinny legs?  
Why do you have so full hair?  
Why do you have so thick lips?  
Why are you so strange? **

"So. Fucking. What. Black? It's not the end of the fucking world!" I yell. I had gotten a hundred points taken off of our house point for back talking professor slughorn. The guy was a complete tool; slughorn I mean but black isn't far off.

"We'll never win house cup now! And it's all you're fault! You're a complete bitch! I don't know why you bother to open your mouth all it does is insult people and get house points taken away!"

"What are you two bickering about now?" Remus asks, sighing. As him, lily, and potter find us in the middle of the hall way, red faced and out of breath from yelling.

"She-" he points an accusing finger at me. "-Got 100 points off of Gryffindor for back talking the teacher! Were never going to win the house cup now and its all her fault."

"You said tat already and like I said it's not the end of the fucking world you dunce!"

"That's it? That's why you two are fighting? Lily and james can give us back the 100 point sirius." Remus says exasperated. "I'm so tired of you two fighting all the time! This has to stop-"

"Well if he wasn't such an idiot-"I start

"Well If she wasn't a bitch-"he tries at the same time.

"Shut up!" Remus says. "We are all tired of listening to you two!" he says and grabs my arm. He pulls me over to the closest door, opens it and shoves me in, black tumbling in curtsy of potter.

"Get off of me!" I say pushing him off, just as the classroom door is slammed shut.

"What the fuck you guys!" I say and bang on it.

"We are not letting you out until you two work what ever this is out! Its Saturday so you have all weekend if you need it!" I try jiggling the door handle but it won't open.

"You can not fucking leave me in here with him all fucking weekend!!" I yell.

"She's a nutter! She'll kill me!" black yells banging on the door next to me.

"Not our problem. Work this out." Potter says.

"Lily!" I yell. "You can't let them do this to me!"

"Sorry X. I love you but you really do need to work this out." Bitch. Black tried to open the door some more I just slump against he wall defeated. If they have lily on their side we won't be getting out of here until Sunday night after diner. Black searches his pocket from his wand, potter probably nicked it before he tossed him in here and lily knows I don't carry mine around on the weekends unless need be.

"shit." He grumbled and tried the door some more.

"You're not gonna get it open. Lily locked it." He just glares at me and tries again. After a futile try he bangs his head on the door once in exhaustion. Then in a growl of frustration he bangs on the door with is fist once.

"Finished yet?" I ask. He glares at me.

"Look lily's on their side so were not getting out of here until Sunday AFTER super." I say and sit on top of the teachers desk. He glares at me and goes and sits on the other side of the room. I turn and rest my back on the wall, spreading my legs out over the top of the desk. This is going to be a LONG day and a half.

**Hör mir zu  
Wer schön sein will muss so viel Schmerz ertragen  
drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz, mein Kind  
Wer schön sein will muss viele Wunden haben  
drum schau mir bitte nicht ins Herz **

**Hear me  
Those who want to be beautiful will wear so much pain  
So please don't look into the heart, my child  
Those who want to be beautiful must have many wounds  
So please don't look into the heart**

After much glaring I hear light snores coming from black's corner. The losers like Xay, can sleep any where any time. I cross my ankles and close my eyes hoping for sleep to pass my time but It doesn't come. Stupid insomnia. Sighing I stare lazily at the stone walls. Its only about three p.m now.

**Weißt du nicht, wer seinen Körper in der Hölle bestellt  
bleibt immer jung, hat viel Erfolg und schwimmt im Geld  
und das ist es doch was zählt**

**Those who want to be beautiful must suffer, my child  
The world will envy you, my child  
Do you not know, who sells his soul to Hell  
Will always be young, beautiful and slim with a slim stomach  
And I know that you want that, too**

**Hope you liked it! -_- **


	8. Chapter 8

Sex hat keine macht by oomph (love them! Song name is sex has no power)

I don't own harry potter.

**Tief in Deiner Vene  
Unter Deiner Haut  
Hab ich durch die Gene  
In das Nichts geschaut **

**Deep in your veins  
Under your skin  
I looked through the genes  
Into the void**

"Hey! Wake up." I yell as I 'gently nudged' black with my silver combat booted foot. He grunted and groggily opened his eyes then glared at me.

"The fuck do you want?"

"Well fine you ungrateful pig! I could have just let your dinner get cold. But no I was NICE and woke you up. Apparently you don't want it so I'll just…" and I started to walk away with his full plate of food. my first intention WAS to let it cool down but lily and Remus want us to stop fighting so I figured I'd be nice and wake him, and look what that got m. I'll never be nice again. He growled.

"Give me the damn plate."

"Nope. Say 'please give me the damned plate.'" I tease holding it above where he sat on the floor. He glared and stood up, towering over me about four inches and snatches the plate from me.

"Fine" I say and walk back over to the teachers' desk to eat my food. we eat in silence for a while.

"You know, Nash, you'd probably be pretty if you dressed normal and died your hair back to…what was your natural hair color?" I glare at him. Why the fuck did he think he could say that to me?

"I was a wheat color." I say in a sharp tone. Normally I would have yelled at him but lily wants us to get along. I'm doing it for lily.

"Yeah you would be prettier and if you did wear that blue lipstick. No body wants to kiss a girl with blue lipstick." He says.

"I'm not changing for some guy. I don't care if you don't like what I wear black it's none of your concern." I say and he just shrugs.

"Just trying to help. And you'd probably get farther if you lost the attitude nobody like a girl that can beat him up."

"SHUT UP! I don't care." I scream.

"Just trying to give you some advice." He says, unfazed.

"Advice? This coming from a guy who can't keep a girl for more than a week?" I spit, I'm standing now.

"At least I can get them for that long. How many guys have you gone out with?" he asks, his voice rising.

"One. But I dated him for almost three years!" lets see him have something to say to that.

"Aw. Did you get your heart broken? Is that why you're a cynical bitch?"

"Shut up! You don't know me! You don't know anything! You don't know what he did to me" I yell. I can't believe I just said that. What am I going to say now? What is he going to say?

"What DID he do to you?" he's not yelling, he's looking at me funny. What is that emotion in his eyes? Suspicion? Curiosity?

"He raped me! More than once and he beat me! Are you happy now?" I scream at him. I'm almost in tears remembering. I had pushed it all out of my head I hadn't have wanted to ever cry about it again. Never wanted to cry because of Micha again. Black looks at me and his eyes are full of pity. I hate pity. The tears poor over and my whole body racks with a sob. My whole foundation shaking to the core. I feel as if I'm about to collapse. I can't believe 'm standing here crying in front of Black. My knees give out and I'm falling to the ground but black rushes forward and catches me. We both sink to the floor. How could I have told him? I hadn't even told lily or Xay. Not even rave. Nobody knew. And now black, the second guy I hate most knows. When my tears stopped I whipped my face and pushed away from him.

"Sorry" I mumble but barely any voice comes out. I couldn't look at him. I had only ever cried in front of Micha.

**Du hast mein Herz in der Hand, es brennt  
Ich weiss ich kann mich befrein  
Du hast mein Herz in der Hand, es brennt  
Hörst Du mich tief in Dir schrein **

**You have my heart in your hand, it burns  
I know I can free myself  
You have my heart in your hand, it burns  
Do you hear my screaming deep inside you**

We were quiet for a while. Then black speaks.

"I know it's not anything like your situation but if it helps any-"he takes a deep breath. "My parents used to perform the cruciotus curse on me. Regularly. I was a big disappointment to them."

"I never met my dad. He was just one of mom's flings. Mom raised me and Xay on her own after he left - if you can even call it that- until we were eight then she got clean and married a judge. She had our sister Xayle and it was like we were just scum reminding her of her old life. Mom was a drug addict she did ecstasy and acid and sometimes pot. She was a muggle, dad was a wizard, and anyway she was a real partier. We just reminded her of how much her life used to suck and how much she hated our father. They were married for like two years. Xayle's father was a muggle too but she was born a witch. Mother thought we had cursed her. She hated us so much for 'making' her baby a 'freak'. I died my hair purple when they got married, I was ten, it was in protest. Mother was pissed but I wouldn't let her bleach it back, no matter how hard she hit me. "

"So all of this." He waves his hands around me "is in protest of your mother?"

I shake my head.

"It's who I am. My mother eventually gave up on preventing me fro dressing the way I want. The purple was a protest, but it was my favorite color." He nods but I don't really think he gets it.

"So how…old were you...when…"he clears his throat. I look at my shoes.

"I met him when I was thirteen. I thought he was amazing, the coolest and sweetest guy I had ever met. He was sixteen. We started going out when I turned 14 and he started raping me and beating me soon after, maybe about five months into our relationship."

"Shit. That was only three years ago."

"It didn't stop until about three months after I turned 16." I say.

"Why didn't you ever tell anybody?" I shrug and he nods and I actually think he gets it.

"I finally got rid of him, when I striked back, it hadn't been the first time I hit back but this time just set him off I guess. He raped m and then hit me cross my face. He aid I was worthless, a peace of shit and a freak and nobody but him would ever want to touch me, would ever want to e near me. Then he just left. And he never came back." he flinched realizing that he had said all those things too.

"Sorry" he mumbles and I can barely hear him, but its enough because I know how hard it is to say.

"I never told anyone any ofthat." I say. "not lily, not rave, not my brother."

"I wont tell anyone." He says and I nodd. I don't think he will.

**Sex hat keine Macht!  
Sex hat keine Macht!  
Du blutest nicht genug für mich  
Küss mich noch ein letztes Mal **

**Sex has no power!  
Sex has no power!  
You don't bleed enough for me  
Kiss me one last time**

"On the train," He says breaking the silence. "Everything you said…I thought about it but then when you said 'yeah so?' it was like you just didn't care.

"I didn't." I say and he glares at me.

"Everything you said was true but I…I don't know how to fix it. Every time I'm face with a small decision or a question I…I don't know how to answer it. Everything you said made me so lost." I stay quiet because I don't know what to say. Luckily, he keeps talking.

"I'm sorry for everything I said to you, it was only because I was mad because you were able to read me so easily and I couldn't figure you out and you just didn't care that you had affected e at all."

"I didn't know I had affected you." I say, my voice is whisper. He nods.

"Can we…uh…like start over? Or be friends?" he say and my eyes get wide. What is he playing at. I nod my head slowly not sure of what he was doing. We would see how this tuned out. I'm not investing too much into this 'friendship'.

**Tief in Deiner Kehle  
Irgendwo im Schlund  
Geh ich Deiner Seele  
Langsam auf den Grund **

**Deep in your throat  
Somewhere in the gullet  
I slowly get to the  
Bottom of your soul**

I was shaken awake by Remus, his eyebrow raised and two plates of eggs and bacon sat beside him o the floor. I sit up and look around me. Black was lying next to me and had his arm draped over my waist. I remember last night we sat up talking about anything and everything. It was kinda fun, he was really funny actually and I actually laughed a real true laugh and smile a real true smile for the first time in years. We had just fallen asleep next to each other.

"Get your mind out of the gutter lupin." I snap and take a plate, setting it on my lap. His cheeks turn a bright red.

"It's ok." I say letting out a short laugh at how uncomfortable he looked. Sirius stirred next to me and I shook him awake.

"Wake up, idiot, breakfasts here." I say threw a mouthful of eggs. he groggily reaches over me and takes the second plate.

"Thanks moony." He says and digs in.

"Uh. You two seem…"

"Yeah were friends now." Sirius says threw a mouth full of food.

"yeah or at least until he pisses me off again." I say playfully and nudge me. he fakes a hurt look and pouts.

"Aw common, X, you know you love me." I laugh a bark worthy of Sirius himself.

"But of course _siri-poo_." I mimic one of his fan club girls and he scrunches his face, making me laugh again. Lupin clears his throat.

"Yes well see we 'kissed and made up' so can you let us out of jail now?" Sirius asks sweetly. Lupins eyes go wide, he obviously took him seriously.

"We didn't really kiss Remus." I say rolling my eyes. He's so gullible. He blushes again.

"Yeah I guess."

"Yay!" I say and hop up letting the plate crash to the ground. Sirius lets out a bark laugh. I run to the door and Remus lets me out, and I step out only to be knocked back in on my but by a very excited lily and rave.\

"We missed you!" lily said.

"Did you kill him?" rave asked. I laughed and they look at each other like she-never-laughs.

"No she didn't kill me." Sirius says in a triumphant voice.

"Yeah actually we talked and stuff."

**Du hast mein Herz inder Hand, es brennt  
Ich weiss ich kann mich befrein  
Du hast mein Herz in der Hand, es brennt  
Hörst Du mich tief in dir schrein**

**You have my heart in your hand, it burns  
I know I can free myself  
You have my heart in your hand, it burns  
Do you hear my screaming deep inside you **

"No! For the last fucking time! I. will. Not. Fucking. Tell. You. What. We talked. About. Lily. Rave." I yell.

"Oh common X! We're dying here!" rave whines.

"Actually we would kind of all like to know." Remus buts in but I send him a glare and his quickly shuts up.

"No. Sirius tell them." I say

"no." he says to them and I roll my eyes.

**Sex hat keine Macht!  
Sex hat keine Macht!  
Du blutest nicht genug für mich  
Küss mich noch ein letztes Mal**

**Sex has no power!  
Sex has no power!  
You don't bleed enough for me  
Kiss me one last time **

Finally and rave stopped pestering me and Sirius and we all sat around the common room fire, because it had gotten cold like rave had said. It was nice to not be yelling all the time... I felt a little happier now.

**Sex hat keine Macht!  
Sex hat keine Macht!  
Du leidest nicht genug für mich  
Täusch mich noch ein letztes Mal**

**Sex has no power!  
Sex has no power!  
You don't bear enough for me  
Change me one last time**


	9. Chapter 9

99 luftballons by Nena

I dont own harry potter

AN: SORRY I HAVENT UPDATED IN A WHILE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

**Hast Du etwas Zeit fuer mich ****  
****Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich****  
****Von 99 Luftballons****  
****Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont****  
****Denkst Du vielleicht grad' an mich****  
****Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich****  
****Von 99 Luftballons****  
****Und dass sowas von sowas kommt**

**Do you have some time for me?****  
****Then I'll sing a song for you****  
****About 99 balloons****  
****on their way to the horizon****  
****are you perhaps thinking of me?****  
****Then I'll sing a song for you****  
****About 99 balloons****  
****and that something (like the war) comes from such a thing (the balloons)**

Ugh. Sirius and james did not shut up about the first quidditch game of the year. Againts hufflpuff, so james concidered it an automatic win. Whatever they were abunch of jocks. Abunch of wizard jocks. The one that most suprised me was remus, though h didnt talk about quidditch as animatedly as sirius or james (who is gonna freak when he finds out that lily despises the sport for its violence.) even as we st down to breakfast thy didnt stop talking about it.

"will you all shut up about quiditch! Your assesive babbling about something i dont like makes my head hurt and makes me extreamly bored!" i say, exasperated and fed up with hearing about stupid lousy quidditch. I took a bite of bacon.

"How do you not like quidditch?" Sirius asked. His blue eyes wide with disbelief like no body could possibly despise something he whole heartedly loved. Well not as much as James did.

"Quidditch is like muggle football, all the popular kids play. If you're not popular you don't play and sometimes that one thing makes you who you are. It's stupid. Besides I'm not a sports person."

"I agree." Lily says and James' mouth falls open. I laugh.

"b-but lily!" he stutters and they break off into an argument that lily was clearly going to win.

"I still insist that you go and watch us play." I sigh dramatically, what an inconvenience! Like I had anything else to do anyway. I could get caught up on my reading. I haven't read much since me and Sirius started hanging out. That just proves he's a bad influence.

"Fine but only for you Sirius, love." I tease.

"Why thank you love." He says and puts an arm around my shoulders. I laugh lightly and wriggle away from him.

**99 Luftballons****  
****Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont****  
****Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem All****  
****Darum schickte ein General****  
****'ne Fliegerstaffel hinterher****  
****Alarm zu geben, wenn's so waer****  
****Dabei war'n da am Horizont****  
****Nur 99 Luftballons**

**99 balloons****  
****On their way to the horizon****  
****They thought they were UFOs from space****  
****So a general sent****  
****A flying squad out there****  
****To raise the alarm if it was true****  
****Yet there on the horizon were****  
****Only 99 balloons**

I lazily follow lily into the stands. We find a place in the back row and rave, her and I huddle under the red blanket lily dragged along to stay warm. If I had to be here so did she.

"I can't believe you dragged me here." she whined.

"Yeah well you can suffer with me."

"I can't believe you to don't want to watch the hot guys in tight uniforms." Rave says and I laugh. I loved how gay he could be sometimes. He's not really gay, he's pansexual –that means he doesn't care what the sex is, it's the person not the gender.

"You can be so vulgar sometimes, rave." Lily says with a small smile on her lips.

"And you can be so innocent and ignorant sometimes." I say and she sticks her tongue out at me. I love that about her, that she was innocent. It suited her.

"Neither of you have any experience in that field." Rave says.

"Well we can't all be man whores." I say. in a way he's right, I have no experience in having sex in a way that I would enjoy, for me sex was always taken from me and I just laid there or did what he told me to do until it was over. I never enjoyed it.

"Don't hate me because I'm sexy." We all laugh. The players all fly onto the field. And I watch them fly out. How do they find that fun? Riding on something on about and inch and a half around, it can't be comfortable to fly around on those brooms for hours on end. I watched Sirius and James show off when their names are called for Gryffindor and I watch Remus disregard his mention. He looked lost in thought. I huddled closer to rave for warmth and picked up the book I brought with me.

**99 Duesenjaeger****  
****Jeder war ein grosser Krieger****  
****Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk****  
****Das gab ein grosses Feuerwerk****  
****Die Nachbarn haben nichts gerafft****  
****Und fuehlten sich gleich angemacht****  
****Dabei schoss man am Horizont****  
****Auf 99 Luftballons**

**99 jet airplanes****  
****each one was a great warrior****  
****Thought that they were Captain Kirk****  
****There were great fireworks****  
****the neighbors didn't understand anything****  
****and immediately felt "pissed off"/provoked****  
****yet there they shot on the horizon****  
****At 99 balloons**

Hogsmead. Lily and I only ever went to Hogsmead when we wanted books or when rave felt the need to go shopping. I loved his random gay moments but really I did want to go shopping unless it entailed me getting new cds, new clothes or new books and Hogsmead doesn't sell cds or the kind of clothes I like. We all squished into a booth at the three broomsticks. Xaydn even went. I sat by the window, across from Remus and next to Sirius. Rave was next to him and Xaydn and peter sat in chairs on the end and lily and James were next to Remus.

"God it's freezing out." I freakin hate the cold that comes with the purity that is snow. I only like cold when it is accompanied with the rain. The rain seems to make sadness o.k. That's why I love England, it rains all the time. Sirius raps an arm around me and I let him because I instantly feel warmer.

"That's because it's about to snow." Rave comments. God thank rave and his ability to predict the weather.

"Really? Soon? Like now? I love seeing the first snow fall of the year! It's so serine." I say in a hurry. I can't believe it! Last year I nearly missed the first snowfall, to think if I never woke up to go pee!

"Yeah soon." Rave says. "I'm gonna go get some butter beer, you all want some?" we all nod and he and Xay get up and leave. I can't believe it! I'm gotta get our there! I rarely get to stand outside while the snow falls. I have to be out there! I push Sirius out of the bench.

"Get. Get. It's snowing!" I yell. When I'm out of the bench I make a run for the door, Sirius right behind me. I can hear lily laughing from the door as I wrench it open.

The air smells like snow. It smells like what I would imagine purity and innocence to smell like. I tilt my head to the sky and close my eyes letting the cold little droplets hit my face. Sirius laughs next to me, not a bark, a soft laugh.

"I've never seen you get so excited before." He says. After a little bit of silence he speaks again. "What about the snow makes you this excited?"

"It's pure. It's innocent. It makes the world perfect and it's like a clean slate is washed over you when it snows." I ay, my eyes still closed. I'm sure he nods. He laughs again.

"People are staring at you like your crazy." He says after I open my mouth and stick out my tongue to catch little droplets of innocence on it. This is what I think innocence and purity tastes like, the first snow fall of the year. I laugh and finally open my eyes and look at him. Small droplets of innocence stick to his eyelashes.

"Let them" I say. "Lets take a walk; people are ruining the serine ness of the first snow fall." I start walking towards the shack without looking to see if he follows me. he does. And soon he's a couple steps ahead of me. I look back at out foot prints, black ovals in whit perfection. We tainted it.

"the shack is supposed to be haunted, you know." He says as we approach it.

"Ooh. Scary." I say sarcastically and sit on a snow covered rock, after brushing away the layer of perfection. More tainting. Maybe that's all human beings ever do, is taint things that are innocent and pure and perfect, they have to make it like them tainted and unperfected and impure. None of us can deal with anything else.

"Hmm. You don't believe me?" he asks. I'm staring out, watching the snowflakes fall, daintily to sinful earth. So perfect, so precious only to be ruined by Sirius' assesive talking.

"I don't care Sirius. Go away or shut up because you're ruining the serine beauty that is being bestowed upon this cursed world." I say boredly, still looking into the dark forest that is now being painted white, the color of innocence.

"fine." He says and storms off, leaving black footprints behind him. Tainted purity. Has Sirius ever tainted someone before?

**99 Kriegsminister****  
****Streichholz und Benzinkanister****  
****Hielten sich fuer schlaue Leute****  
****Witterten schon fette Beute****  
****Riefen: Krieg und wollten Macht****  
****Mann, wer haette das gedacht****  
****Dass es einmal soweit kommt****  
****Wegen 99 Luftballons**

**99 war ministers****  
****Matches and petrol cans****  
****Thought that they were clever people****  
****Already caught wind of great spoils [of war]****  
****Shouted: War, and wanted power****  
****Man, who would have thought****  
****That one day it would come to this****  
****Because of 99 balloons**

"Hey, Xstacie." I whip around, surprised. Remus. His caramel hair covered in white. He seemed to fit in with the serine ness and innocence of our surroundings.

"X." I say. He never calls me X, and I wish he would. Why won't he? Maybe he just doesn't want to get too personal? He doesn't want to get too close? "What's up, Remus?" I turn back to the powdered forest. He shrugs.

""What're you doing here?" he asks, sitting next to me, tainting the snow that fell on the rock before he arrived by sitting on it. He looks like an angel out here in the white innocence, he radiated like the snow does. He fit here, while I was so out of place. He belonged with the snow, I belonged…not here. Not with the snow. I turn away from him again.

"Watching the snow fall. Sirius was talking too much; he doesn't understand why I love to watch it fall." I thought he would have, since he's the only one that knows, but he didn't. I wonder what Remus thinks of the snow?

"Why do you love to watch it fall?" I'm quiet. mostly I just don't want to answer him, I just want him to automatically know why.

"Do you like to watch it fall?" someone who fits in so perfectly with the snow should like to watch it fall, right?

"Sure" when he answers I realize that he's never thought about watching the snow, it was never really anything to him. It's just frozen water to him. He probably doesn't think of it as pure or innocent and he sure doesn't think of things as being tainted or not.

"Why?" He shrugs. Yeah I was right.

"It's pretty." He then says. Yeah that proves me further. I shake my head. How did I think he was just going to get it, with out me saying it? I should stop wishing.

"The first fall is so innocent and untouched. It's beautiful. It's serine. And it's like nothing is ever wrong in the world. It's like the whole world just stops when the snow first falls."

He watches me talk, then looks around us and I actually think he sort of understands, to point. That makes me happy.

**99 Jahre Krieg****  
****Liessen keinen Platz fuer Sieger****  
****Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr****  
****Und auch keine Duesenflieger****  
****Heute zieh ich meine Runden****  
****Seh' die Welt in Truemmern liegen****  
****Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden****  
****Denk' an Dich und lass' ihn fliegen**

**99 years of war****  
****Don't leave a place for victors****  
****There are no ministers of war any more****  
****No jet planes either****  
****Today I'm doing my rounds****  
****Seeing the world lying in ruins****  
****Found a balloon****  
****Think of you and let it fly**

Lily met us in the RoR after her head duties. He eyes were bright as hell and she tried hiding the hugest smile I've ever seen.

"Happy lily?" Rave asks from helping Xay finish setting up her drums. She let out a scream when the door closed behind her and disappeared.

"God lily!" Xay shouts, whit his fingers in his ears.

"What's so exciting lils?" rave asks and he has this glint in his eyes. I dread what I know she's about to say.

"James freakin potter asked me out!" she says jumping up and down, I've never seen lily like this before. Rave squeals and jumps with her.

"That's great love!" he says.

"Yeah congrats lily." I say, with a smile.

"Thanks X, that means a lot to me that you approve." I hug her.

"Alright, let's play already; I have steam to blow off from detention with hagrid." Xay says, picking up his guitar. I unwind into the music and forget about everything. I just think abut the snow. About Remus. Angel Remus who fits in perfectly with the snow. Pure. Innocent. Perfect. Blessed.

---Later---

"I can't wait until James sees me behind those drums come end of the year dance!" lily say, loudly. "do you think he would care?"

"I don't know."

"Shh. Lily you're so loud." I say as the portrait opens. What if someone heard, it could all be ruined and this was HER plan!

"Whatever. I don't care. He finally did it! I'm so happy, X!"

I know. I know." I stop dead in my tracks when I see Remus sitting by the fire. How much did her just hear? Lily continued to dance around the common room, filled with joy.

"hey." He says softly.

"Hi." I say. "How much did you hear Remus?" I cringe inwardly when I hear my voice sounds worried. I had meant for it to come out a little edgy.

Um. Nothing actually." I nod, not sure if I should trust him. But I decide that I do, because he fits in with the snow. He is angel Remus, king of innocence and purity (I have decided this just now.).

"Oh lighten up, X!" Rave says. He and lily are dancing around the common room now, smiles on their faces.

"What's so exciting?" Remus asks. I stiffen. Nobody knows what lily will say when she's this excited, she could spill everything!

"James finally asked me to be his girlfriend during rounds!" lily beams. Her emerald eyes ecstatic.

"Congratulations but weren't rounds like three hours ago? Where have you four been?"

"It's none of your business." I snap. He's also apparently king of cant mind his own business!

"Oh X. chill out. We were just celebrating." Rave says. I relax into the armchair. Remus gives me a questioning look and I raise my eyebrows, daring him to challenge the reply.

"Well I'm of to bed; I'm utterly exhausted with tonight's events." Rave says dramatically and winks at me. I just ignore it and look into the fire, nodding.

"Me too. I'll talk to you guys in the morning." We're alone now, Remus and I. he glows in the fire light-I see out of my peripheral vision- and he looks like an angel. Again so pure and innocent. I concentrate on the fire.

"Are you ok?" he asks and I'm taken a back by the question. Nobody has really ever asked me that. Except maybe lily, rave and Xay but that's it. Nobody else has cared. Wow I sound emo.

"I'm going to bed." I go to get up. I don't want to pour everything out to him like I did Sirius. I hate being vulnerable.

"No. sorry. Stay? Please?" I sit back down against my better judgment.

"So what do you think, about lily and James being boyfriend and girl friend?" I glare at him. Why did he have to ask that? I try to melt into the arm chair, disappear. I sigh.

"She's happy. And he cares for her." I say and hope he takes that as my answer. He does.

"They look perfect together." he says. Yeah I guess they do.

"Rave thinks so." I say. I think so too, but I wasn't going to say that.

"Rave thinks you and Sirius look good together." she raises her eyebrow "but not perfect." Good. Then we aren't meant to be together. Because to rave if you don't look perfect then its not meant to be. I love his logic, because I never want to date Sirius. I smile.

"I love that rave thinks people are made to be together and if you have met the right person you two will just look perfect together. You'll complement each other. He really believes in the whole big fate deal." I say and he nods. I wonder if he believes in fate.

"What do you think?" I ask.

"About what?"

"Fate." He shrugs. Guess he never really thought about that either. I wonder what he does think about. How does the world look threw his eyes?

"You make your own fate by making choices. You can change the future by making certain choices." I nod.

"I agree." He smiles.

They're going to Hogsmead together, next weekend, as a first date." He doesn't say anything so I continue.

"He's her first boyfriend."

"Really?" he asks and I smile at lily's innocence.

"Yeah. Lily was never one to have crushes parse. She's like rave kinda, she thinks once she finds her soul mate that she'll just know it and I guess she thinks potters her soul mate." Ok she wasn't exactly like rave; I don't know why I said that really because she's nothing like rave. Rave thinks that way but he also has little dating-like flings until that perfect someone comes along for him.

"And you don't like that?" I shrug. No I really don't.

"I just worry about her." I stand. This conversation was semi-depressing.

"I'm going to bed."

"Good night."

"Yeah."

_Journal,_

_Remus is an angel. _

_-X _

_**AN: HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!! PLEASE REVIEWA ND COMMENT ON WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR AND WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS THINK ABOUT IT ALL! RHANKS **_____


	10. Chapter 10

Diary of Jane by breaking Benjamin.

I don't own Harry potter.

**If I had to  
I would put myself right beside you  
So let me ask  
Would you like that?  
Would you like that?**

"…and he's the sweetest guy! I just-"

"God! Lily stop!" I finally snap. I can't take it anymore. With her its James this and James that. I don't care!

"Well geeze X! I'm just trying to share with you!" we were in our dorm room, sitting on our bed like we usually do when we talk about people and school and everything. Rave Is here too, sitting at the foot of the bed, resting against he post.

"Sorry lily, there just only so much of James talk that I can take!" she sticks her tongue out at me.

"Real mature lils." I say.

"I think it's sweet that's she's totally infatuated with him! They are SO perfect for each other." Rave says.

"Is it that obvious?" lily asks him.

"Yeppers!" I shake my head.

"Please! New topic, please." I pretend to beg. Rave laughs while lily rolls her eyes.

"Fine. There's this slyhterin boy that I've been talking to. He's totally precious and a fifth year-"

"Rave! You cradle robber!" lily says, shocking her eyes. We laugh at her innocence, but I secretly envy it.

"Please lils he's only a year younger than me! anyway he has straight black hair that hangs in his eyes and he's like this precious emo baby that I just want to hold and comfort and his eyes are this really pretty dark brown and he tale than me and thin!"

"Sounds cute. What's his name?"

"Severus Snape."

"Isn't that the guy that James and Sirius hate?" I ask. Rave glares at em.

"Yes! They are so mean to him! They taunt him. Well he is kind of a goody-goody two shoes but he's still adorable and I don't care if they hate him! I WANT HIM!"

"Wow Hun a little intense don't you think?" He just shrugs.

"Well what ever makes you happy." Lily says.

"Speaking of being happy, X seems SO much happier since you all locked her in that classroom like two months ago!"

"Shut up rave." I glare at him. I didn't need this conversation pointed at me. Mr. big mouth.

"Yeah I agree."

"Whatever. Get off my bed both of you! I want to sleep."

"Hun it's only like twelve and you have insomnia, you never get to sleep before two." Stupid bitch knows everything!

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Right! So tell us, sweet little Xstacie, do you like Sirius?"

"no." I say flatly. I don't. I really don't.

"Well that's no fun cause I think he likes you."

"You two are stupid." I say.

"Whatever you say." Rave says and climbs off my bed. "Well I'm off to bed. Some people actually need sleep."

"Ha. Ha. Very fun." I say sarcastically. He just smiles and closes the Door behind him.

"Yeah I'm gonna get to bed too. Night X."

Finally I can wait for Monday to come in peace.

_Journal,_

_My so called friends asked if I liked Sirius! Are they mental?_ I _think I should invest in some new friends._

-X

**And I don't mind  
If you say this love is the last time  
So now I'll ask  
Do you like that?  
Do you like that?**

I groggily sat down at the table, wishing today wasn't Monday because I didn't do the transfiguration homework. Damn my lazy work ethic! I blindly filled my plate with what I presumed was food.

"Wow X. I didn't know you like syrup on you're oatmeal. Sirius said in my ear. I opened my eyes.

"Aw gross."

"You're super tired looking today. Stay up late?"

"No later than usual. And I'm glad you think I'm so pretty." I grumble.

"You're gorgeous." He teases. "Oh! Guess what!"

"gah." I cover my now bleeding ear. Does he really have to yell so damn early when I'm so damn tired?

"Guess what." He says again, at a more bearable tone.

"What?" I snap.

"Well since you refuse to guess and since you totally missed it because you slept in late. James and I got Remus a girlfriend!"

"WHAT?!" Remus? Sweet angel innocent pure Remus? King of innocence and purity and relative of the snow?

"wow. You seem so shocked? Did you not think Remus could get a girlfriend?"

"no its not that. Why do you feel the need to play match maker? Maybe Remus would have gotten a girlfriend when he was ready."

"eh." He shrugs. Jerk.

"Where is Remus anyway?"

"Sitting with his girlfriend, duh!" I roll my eyes at him.

"Shouldn't she be the one sitting over here?" he shrugs again and the gesture pisses me off. I eat my breakfast in silence.

**No!**

Something's getting in the way  
Something's just about to break  
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane  
So tell me how it should be

_Journal_

_Yeah I skipped classes today. Everybody's in the one right before lunch by now. I don't know why! Don't lecture me. I just didn't feel like going. _

_Sirius and James set Remus up with some girl he liked or something. Or at least Sirius said that Remus liked her. He said Remus told him he liked her so yeah. I don't know. I'm babbling.i don't know how I feel about Remus having a girlfriend. Guess he can have one I he wants, I just never pictured him with anyone. I saw him and his girlfriend when I was heading to the library before first class. She's short with long blonde hair. They don't look good together at all. Rave would have asked Remus what he was thinking. I wonder why he likes her. He wasn't smiling when I saw him, he was staring off into space and she wasn't talking, they were just walking and they looked awkward. I wonder if Remus has ever had a girlfriend before. _

_I'm gonna head to lunch I'm starving for something, even though I just came back from the kitchens. Ha-ha I'm a fatty. _

_-X_

**Try to find out what makes you tick  
As I lie down  
Sore and sick  
Do you like that?  
Do you like that?**

I find everyone already at lunch. Remus sitting across fro the saved seat for me and his girlfriend next to him. I sit down with out saying anything.

"hi." The girl says. "I'm Anna. Anna Irks." I would have said something witty and mean but I kept my mouth shut, for Remus. I pile food on my plate.

"That's Xstacie." Remus whispers to her. I glare at him threw my bangs.

"Grumpy X? you weren't in class, catching up n you're sleep?" Sirius asks.

"I have insomnia." Was my icy reply.

"Oh. I'd be grumpy too."

"Shut up." I say and stuff my mouth.

"Hey X. where were you?" lily asks. I shrug.

"Well I took notes for you." she says. This wasn't very lily like behavior. Usually she would have yelled at em for skipping.

"And don't think I'm ever going to let you get away with skipping class again! This is our N.E.W.T. year, X! You need to attend class to pass the test!" I shrug.

"Don't shrug a me!-"

"Lils just let it go." James says. She glares at me but continues eating. I feel a pair of eyes on me and I look up to meet Remus' light brown eyes. He gave me a questioning look and I raised my eyebrow, daring him to ask me where I was.

"Um. Well…X-Xstacie is an interesting name." Irks stutters out looking around for help. I quickly stand and leave. I hate talking about my name. And saying that my name is interesting is a very lame way tog et me to talk to her. God. Why am I acting this way to her? Oh yeah I hate people.

**theres a fine line between love and hate  
and i dont mind  
Just let me say that I like that  
I like that**

I sat in the common room, everyone already sleeping. I stared at the dying fire and curled up in my blanket to keep warm.

"hey." I turn to see Remus standing at the bottom of the boys' dorm stairs. The Coles of the glowing fire illuminated him. He looked like an angel. Pure and innocent. And tainted. He was tainted now. Not as innocent as before. I turn back to the fire. He sits down in one of the arm chairs and asks the question that I hate so much.

"Are you ok?" I glare at him

"fine."

"Did you and Sirius have a fight?"

"What the hell?" I yell. His eyes grew sorry and…sad?

"s-sorry I just um...thought you were always so happy around him and today you were kinda all pissy like you used to be and I-I just thought that you had a fight and.."

"Pissy? God just shut up. It's none of your fucking business anyway" I say and storm out of the room. What the hell? Pissy? I'm not pissy! I'm canister and bitchy and harsh and mean and critical. I'm not fucking pissy! Who does he think he is? I sit in my bed waiting for sleep.

_Journal,_

_Am I pissy? _

_-X _

_Journal,_

_Why do I care?_

_-X _

**Something's getting in the way  
Something's just about to break  
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane  
As I burn another page  
As I look the other way  
I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane  
So tell me how it should be **

I'm sitting next to Sirius in transfiguration. I hate this class.

'_This is stupid. Wanna ditch next classes and go to Hogsmead?_' he passes me a note.

'_Sure._' I write back. I could definitely get away. I need something to get my anger away from last night and I have to wait for hours to play again. So why not ditch? Lily'll be pissed but so what she has James to calm her down.

**Desperate, I will crawl  
Waiting for so long  
No love, there is no love  
Die for anyone  
What have I become**

We sit in the bottom of a cellar where we found fire whiskey. We drank. Him mostly, I've never been much of a person to willingly give up my conscious state of mind and loose all control of my self but Sirius seems to enjoy it.

"Why do you drink so much Sirius?" I ask him as he downs another shot, I sit eating my candy that we also found in the cellar.

"It mmaces me forget." She stammers, drunk. I shake my head.

"It makes you feel. Don't you feel right now? It makes it worse. If you're sober, you can forget." I say but he doesn't get it. He keeps drinking.

"Whatever. Lets et you back to the common room. I'm sure dinner is about now, so no one will see us." I say and hoist his arm over my shoulder. We stumble against a wall.

"mmhmm. I don't wanna." He drinks the shot he had in his hand.

"Too bad." I start dragging us back threw the passage way. When we finally get back to the common room, thankfully unspotted, I drag him up the stairs to his dorm

"Bed time already?" he says.

"God you're smashed." I mutter, smelling the whiskey on his breath. How often does he do this?

"No. I'm not d-drunk." I push open the door.

"Which bed is yours?" stupid thing to ask, like he remembers. I flop him down on the one closest to the door.

"God you're heavy." I groan.

"Hey! I'm not fat. I'm all muscle, baby." He says looking up at me from his laying position on the bed,

"Whatever. Go to sleep Sirius." I say and close the door behind me.

"No. stays with me." I hear threw the door. "the dark is scary." Afraid of the dark? I never would have guessed. Maybe it's just because he's drunk. I go back threw the door to see him curled up in a helpless little ball under the covers. I look at him. I know what its like to lie like that and just wallow in your sadness; I know what it's like to have to do it alone. I lay down next to him.

"Go to sleep." I say and move some hair out of his face.

**Something's getting in the way  
Something's just about to break  
I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane  
As I burn another page  
As I look the other way  
I still try to find my place  
In the diary of Jane**

AN: IDK IF I REALLY LIKE THIS CHAPTER. ITS ALITTLE DEPRESSING. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!


	11. Chapter 11

I love doing Remus' pov!

Summer shudder by AFI

I don't own Harry potter but I do own rave, Xay and Xstacie!

Remus pov.

**Listen when I say, when I say it's real  
Real life goes undefined  
Why must you be so miserable?  
Everything you take, makes it more unreal  
Real lies are undefined, how can this be so miserable?**

I grimaced as I watched Sirius and James talking to Anna in the entrance hall. I shouldn't have said anything. She walks over to me.

"I-I'd love to, Remus." She's blushing and i look away from her. God this sucks. I smile at her.

"That's great! I'm sorry I didn't ask you myself, I was gonna, I just made the mistake of telling them I liked you and they just…well you know." I lie.

"That's ok." She says immediately. "I-I like you." she's blushes more. God I'm awful. I'm leading this girl on!

"Do you want to go eat?" I ask, not knowing what to say. She nods. "Do you want to eat at my table?" I just shrug.

"Whatever you want." She smiles big.

I have to meet her friends Heidi and Ginger. Ignore their gossiping and look around the hall. Xstacie just walked in. I watched as she groggily, with her eyes only partly open, walk to the empty seat near Sirius and with her eyes closed grab random thing an d put them on her plate. Sirius whispers something in her ear and her eyes snap open and she makes a grossed out face. I laugh as she disposes of her plate and refills a clean one.

"What do you think Remus?" Anna asks me.

"Huh? Sorry I spaced out, I'm a little tired."

"You do look kind of sick. Are you feeling ok?" she looks worried. It's because of the full moon. Its next week, so is Christmas break, looks like I'm staying here.

"So are you going home for Christmas?" I ask.

"Yes. I always do. What about you?"

"No. my parents are going out of town this year"

"Oh that's too bad. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No! No. go see your family." She nods. What have I done? I look back over to Xstacie just in time to actually hear her yell 'what'. What are they talking about? Did he decide to ask her out? What made her scream like that? Are they fighting again? And that thought actually makes me happy, and then I remember Anna and I immediately feel like crap. I've really messed things up.

**Under the summer rain… I burned away…  
Under the summer rain, Oh… You turned away… **

I didn't see Xstacie in any of the classes we had together; thankfully Anna is taking all advanced classes, so I don't have any classes with her. That's an awful thought. I'm so sick with myself that I'm doing this to someone so sweet and innocent.

"Where's Xstacie?" I ask Sirius in transfiguration class. He shrugs.

"Haven't seen her since breakfast." I hope she's ok. I feel a sudden need to go find her.

"Why was she all upset?"

"You noticed she was upset? You're supposed to be paying attention to your girlfriend-"

"I HEARD her yell." I didn't need him coming to some crazy accusation in his fogged up head.

"Oh yeah." He laughs. "No that was just when I told her you had a girlfriend. She scolded James and me for 'playing matchmakers'"

"oh." Sirius shrugged.

**Listen, I can make, make the sound a feel  
Feel fine, I kiss the lies…Why must they be so kissable?  
Listen as I break, break the former seal  
For the sight shines suicide, when will we be invisible?**

Xstacie sits down across from me and ignores everyone while piling food on her plate. She looks upset, mad, not like her sort of new self which is happier, lighter and not so angry all the time. She seems angry again.

"Hi." Anna says. "I'm Anna. Anna Irks." And I wait for Xstacie to say something mean to her because she would, but she just turns back to her plate and I feel kind of relieved that she doesn't hate Anna. Does that even mean she doesn't hate Anna? I think It does, if she hated Anna then she would have said something to indicate so.

"That's Xstacie." I tell her, so that she knows but Xstacie sends me a glare threw her hair and I know I did something wrong.

"Grumpy X? You weren't in class; catching up on your sleep?" Sirius asks.

"I have insomnia." Was her reply.

"Oh. I'd be grumpy too."

"Shut up." She says. Maybe she's made at him? I don't know Xstacie is so hard to figure out. One second she's fine and the next she tense and angry.

"Hey X. where were you?" lily asks.

"Well I took notes for you." she says.

"And don't think I'm ever going to let you get away with skipping class again! This is our N.E.W.T. year, X! You need to attend class to pass the test!" she shrugs.

"Don't shrug a me!-"

"Lils just let it go." James says and she does, surprisingly. It's like lily is sire and James is water, he calms her down and he lights up her world. They're perfect for each other; they fit perfectly with each other. When Xstacie looks at me I can't help but look at her back. She confuses me to no end. I want to figure her out; she's like an impossible puzzle.

"Um. Well…X-Xstacie is an interesting name." Anna says trying to make a conversation with her. I inwardly wince at her words. Xstacie is going to flip, I just know it. But instead Xstacie just stands up abruptly and leaves the great hall.

"What did I do?" Anna asks me.

"Xstacie just has… she doesn't like people talking about her name. just don't mind her, she's just like that, harsh, I mean, she can be a little harsh you just have to understand that that's just how she is." I don't really know how to explain Xstacie to Anna; I don't think she'd understand if I could either, because nobody sees her like I do.

" you should take her not talking to you as a good sing, she usually yells and says mean things to people she doesn't like." Sirius says. Anna nods.

"She can be complicated around new people; you just have to bear with it to see. X is X and that's all she will ever be." Lily says, probably trying to make Anna feel better about not understanding Xstacie like we assume we do.

"She's not complicated, she's hurting and she's taking it out on the world, she's calling out to us silently and with her anger but nobody is helping her or maybe nobody can help her. Maybe she's doomed to walk around always hurting inside and there's nothing anybody can do about it. That would be sad, to have to be around someone who's forever calling out to the world and the world is either ignoring her or can't help her. that makes me sad to think that she has to be like that. I wonder what hurt her so much." Anna says, but its not really to anybody, she's looking at the great hall doors and her voice sound off in the distance, like she's far away. Xstacie is calling out with her anger; she's mad at everyone; mad at the world for not helping her. Anna is absolutely right. How did we not notice before? How did we not hear her crying out for help? I feel ashamed that I hadn't noticed.

**Under the summer rain, I burnt away,  
Under the summer rain, (Burn!) We burned away.  
Under the summer rain, I burnt away,  
Under the summer rain, (Burn!) You turned away.**

"How long have you known her?" Anna asks. I had been staring off into space, not really paying attention, thinking about Xstacie and what could have made her like she is.

"Known who?"

"Xstacie."

"Just his year, why?" she shrugs.

"I was just wondering, because you seem to…care about her, All of you do."

"oh." I say, but I couldn't help but hear something in her voice, that told me that maybe she meant something else. I shook the thought from my head and stood up. We wee in the library, dinner had ended about an hour or so ago and I wanted to go to bed. Though I probably wouldn't get any sleep because I would be thinking about Xstacie. I haven't been able to concentrate or think about anything else since lunch.

**This is the fall; this is the long way down,  
And our lives look smaller now, and our lives look so small,  
(Leave me here crying)  
This is the fall; this is the long way down  
And our lives look smaller now, and our lives look so small…**

She was sitting in front of the fire, curled up and looking shattered. She looks broken down, and she thinks she's alone. I should say something to let her know I'm here, so that she doesn't do something she wouldn't want to in front of me. As much as I want to know everything about her and be the one to comfort her and be the one she breaks down in front of I'm not.

She still looked beautiful, even if she was crying she'd still be beautiful.

"hey." I say and she turns around, her gaze hard. She's collected herself, locked her hurt up inside and made herself presentable to other people. I sit down when she turns back to the fire; she used to smile when she realized it was me.

"Are you ok?" stupid question, of course she isn't and how do I think that if I ask that simple stupid question that everyone asks that she will tell me?

"fine." Her voice is stony.

"Did you and Sirius have a fight?" why did I ask that? It was just another stupid question.

"What the hell?" she yells. I made her angry, I just wanted to make whatever was making her upset better. I just want to make her happy. I want her to be truly happy, no matter who she's with or what it is that does it, I just want her to be happy.

"s-sorry I just um...thought you were always so happy around him and today you were kinda all pissy like you used to be and I-I just thought that you had a fight and.." I stammer over my words, I don't want her to be angry at me anymore, I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm just letting words pour out and praying that they are the right ones. They aren't, they never are. I think none of that. I don't think she was pissy, I think she is stronger than she thinks and I like that she has an attitude and that she can tell anybody off and not care, I like everything about her.

"Pissy? God just shut up. It's none of your fucking business anyway" she says then storms up to the girls dorms. I put my head in my hands. She hates me now, I've ruined everything. I can't believe I said that. Why do I keep making everything worse?

**Under the summer rain, I burnt away  
Under the summer rain, (Burn!) We burnt away**

She doesn't talk to me, not when I try to apologies not at all. She sits with Sirius on the other side of the classroom in transfiguration; one of the only classes we have together. I find myself looking over at her all through out the class. I can't concentrate. She sits slouched back in her seat with her arms crossed, looking pissed off and angry like on the train after we all walked into the compartment and her and Sirius were fighting. I longed to just hold her and take away all her pain, but I couldn't she wouldn't hardly even look at me an I had a girlfriend, I have to remember that, I have a girlfriend.

**Under the summer rain, I burnt away  
under the summer rain, (Burn!) We burnt away**

I don't see her or Sirius in any other classes, and I' freaking out. They are obviously together, but what are they doing? I stop my imagination from answering that question and try to focus on work, but lily has other ideas.

"Where is X?" she asks me, turned around in her seat. Normally Xstacie would be sitting next to her, but on her not showing up James snagged the seat; Xstacie would be furious if she was here and he did that.

"I don't know, I haven't seen her or Sirius since transfiguration." She frowns and her brow furrows together.

"They're together?" I shrug. I didn't really want to think about it.

"Don't worry lils, Sirius is a nice guy he won't do anything." James says to sooth her she snorts.

"He's a pig. The only way they'd do anything is if she wanted to, I just don't know if she wants to or not and that's what worries Me." she turns back around and I find myself asking that question. Does she or doesn't she?

**Under the summer rain, (Burn!) I burnt away  
Under the summer rain, (Burn!) You turned away..**

Everyone sits around the fire place talking after diner. Neither Sirius nor Xstacie showed up and lily was talking worriedly to James about Xstacie missing a meal.

"She never misses a meal."

"She's fine, she's with Sirius,"

"That worries me too." I ignore them and head up to the dormitory, maybe I can force myself to sleep. I flip on the light switch and toss my tie and robe onto my trunk at the bottom of my bed, not paying attention. Then I notice them, curled up together on my bed; MY bed. My heart breaks in my chest and I feel like I can't breathe I'm rooted to the floor. Xstacie sits up and rubs her eyes with her fists, like a small child would, making the covers fall around her waist and I see that she's still fully dressed. She locks eyes with me and I glace over at Sirius and then back to her. She looks at him to then back at me with wide eyes.

"Oh no, we didn't…"she says and gets out of bed. "It wasn't like that." She mutters but I can barely hear her. She nervously tugs on her sleeves and looks at the floor.

"I should go." She says and before I can say anything, do anything she's gone. I stare at Sirius' sleeping form and even thought he's dressed and she was dressed and they didn't do anything I still hate him, for getting to hold her, getting to be near her. I wanted to hold her; I wanted to be near her. He groans and rolls over. I finish getting changed into my pajamas. I can hear lily yelling at Xstacie. she thinks she slept with Sirius, I wonder what Xstacie is saying because I can't hear her. I move Sirius to his own bed and just lay in mine thinking about how she was just laying where I was. The bed was still warm and she had talked to me even if only a few words spoken to the floor boards, they were meant for me. I smile and even though she was laying here with him I don't mind because maybe she'll talk to me tomorrow. I actually fall asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

Ch12

I don't own Harry potter.

Bleeds no more- silverstein

**My heart bleeds no more;  
now, it's been turned to stone.  
Your stomach feels sick for someone else.  
I've broken both my legs falling for you.  
Drag me on the ground.**

When I opened my eyes I met Remus' and I can't even describe the hurt in them. His hands were paused above a button on his shirt and he was just staring at me, mouth open slightly, and shocked. His eyes flickered beside me then back to me. I looked to where he did to see Sirius laying next to me. I remember now, his soft cry for me to stay, he sounded so afraid to be left alone in the dark. I had wanted him to feel safe. I wondered what demons made him afraid of the dark. I looked back to Remus, understanding what he thought, that I had slept with Sirius; I didn't and I didn't want to.

"Oh no, we didn't…" I say and stand up. Couldn't he see I was fully dressed? "It wasn't like that." I mumble tugging on my sleeves a nervous habit I thought I had gotten rid of long ago when my mother found it so annoying that she took away all my long sleeves and my favorite hoodie to make me stop. I stared at the floor because I couldn't bear to look him in the eye and let him read my eyes, let him see right into my soul because right now he could probably read me as easily as a picture book.

"I should go." I say when he doesn't say anything and before he could, I left. I ran down the stairs wanting to get away, needing to get away. We haven't had band practice in a couple of days and I was dying I needed to play. The need pulsed in me harder than my heart did.

"X!" my head snaps to the side to see lily sitting in one of the armchairs by the fire.

"lily." I knew what she thought, seeing me come out of the boys' dorm, the same thing Remus did.

"You slept with Sirius didn't you!" it wasn't a question. "X I can't believe you! I thought you knew what kind of guy he is, you're better than all those other girls!"

"Lily shut up. I didn't fuck Black." I say in a low voice then storm up to our dorm. Couldn't she just mind her own business?

**Powerless I stand, tarnished blade,**

**Cutting through, pushed into my vein.  
Blood still stains my hands.  
Sharpening my sense of pain outside**

_To myself, _

_I slept with Sirius black, I __**slept**__ with him I didn't fuck him. Remus found us and he looked so hurt, so torn apart. I don't even want to think about __**that. **__I got bitched at by lily, god she can be awful sometimes. But the thing is I actually slept! I only remember tucking a piece of hair out of Sirius' face and then nothing until lights were turned on. I fell asleep! _

_On to other things,_ _I can't take it anymore, this pain that lulls in my heart. Seeing her with him I know now is what makes it. At first I ignored it, told myself I was just being stupid and I wasn't actually upset. I don't know journal I can't take it. I can't bear to talk to him anymore. He's always with her and… ever since the other week when he called me pissy I just I lost it all. I broke down I couldn't take it anymore. I know I like him, I'm admitting to it but I wish I didn't because it hurts. I need something to take my mind off of it, this pain in my chest; I need something to make it go away. Any suggestions? No I didn't think so. I have no idea either and we can rule out school work because that's boring and hurts my head. Journal I just want it to go away please I need it to go away. I can't take this. This is worse than anything Micha ever put me threw. Why can't things be back to normal when I didn't care about anyone but lily and rave and xay? I don't want to care about him especially when he doesn't care about me. I'm so lost and confused I don't know what to do. _

_-X_

**My heart bleeds no more;  
now, it's been turned to stone.  
Your stomach feels sick for someone else.  
I've broken both my legs falling for you.  
Drag me on the ground.**__

Christmas break is here and it's been like two weeks since I last talked to Remus. I avoid him like the plague and spend as much time with Sirius as possible to make thoughts of him go away. Everyone left yesterday. Lily, Rave, James, Peter (don't really care about him though) and Remus' girlfriend. It's just Sirius, me, Remus and a couple of other random people. I'm sitting on the couch staring into the fire because Sirius and Remus went to Hogsmead and I didn't want to be around Remus.

"X darling!" Sirius' voice rings out snapping me from my mindless staring off into space. "Did you miss me?" I smile a little half smile.

"Always love." I say and he flops down onto the couch next to me. Remus sits in one of the arm chairs.

"So, X, my love what did you get me for Christmas?"

"nothing." Instead of pushing his arm off of my shoulders I leave it there. "I don't like Christmas." It reminds me of how much my mother really hates my brother and me. I don't care that we don't get presents and Xaylie does really I don't, I just hate that they act like the perfect little family, hanging decorations, putting up the tree, baking cookies and everything like that and we aren't included, we aren't apart of their family we just momentarily reside in their home.

"What? Why?" they both ask. I glare at them, mostly Remus. He doesn't get to ask me personal questions anymore, I won't let him be close to me anymore, I won't let him make me happy, I won't et him make me sad as far as I'm concerned he's just another person I don't care about.

"Just because, Anyway I never triad gifts with lily or rave or Xay, we just don't do it so don't get me anything." Sirius frowns.

"Too late honey and you are going to love it!" he says and kisses my forehead then he runs upstairs with his bags from Hogsmead leaving me downstairs with Remus. Damn. I sigh and cross my arms.

**Killing everything off inside.  
Make sense of everything you tried to hide,  
hide from me. **

I sigh and tickle the pair when I get to the painting that is the door to the kitchens. This is a ridiculous thing to do. The portrait opens for me and a bunch of elves flock to me asking me what I want.

"Anything sweet related." I am such a sugar addict when I'm depressed and lying to myself. I wasn't ever like this when Micha hurt me physically, mentally or emotionally I just pushed it out of my head but this, this wont get out of my head. I sit down and a million plates of a million different sweets are placed in front of me.

"Wow. That's a lot of sugar." I turn around to see Remus standing sheepishly behind me.

"So what?" I say turning back to the plates and grabbing a cookie. He sat at the counter next to me.

"What do you want?" I ask my voice stony and cold.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"None of your business." I can see it's not going to do me any good to lie.

"Xstacie…" he doesn't say anything and I get up and leave, another cookie in hand. So much for my sugar binge, I'll have to do it another night.

**My heart bleeds no more;  
now, it's been turned to stone.  
My stomach feels sore from cutting up.  
I ruined all my sanctity for you.  
Smash me on the ground. **

Christmas day, I was shaken awake by Sirius.

"wakie wakie!" he sang shaking my shoulders. Damn him.

"Go away." I say swatting at his face and turn over on my side.

"It's Christmas, X, you have to be excited.

"no." I pull the covers over my head to lock out the light. Suddenly I'm lifted up in the air.

"Put. Me. down. Black." My arms are wrapped tightly around his neck and I don't move because I don't want him to drop me.

"nope." He says and carries me out of my dorm, down the stairs and to the living room where Remus was sitting on the couch, waiting for us. When he sees me, in my pajamas still wrapped up in my comforter, unwillingly being carried to the couch he laughs. I send him a glare and he shuts his mouth. Good.

"Present time!" Sirius says after setting me down on the couch, horrifyingly enough, next to Remus. He was such a child! His eyes were big and happy and he was smiling. Sirius obviously loved Christmas. He distributed gifts out to the three of us from under the huge tree in the common room. Three sat on my lap, THREE. One from Sirius, one from Remus and one that was not labeled. Sirius had four and same with Remus. All obviously from each other (James, peter me and the other.) yes I actually went out yesterday and bought them presents it was hard to get one for Remus but as far as everyone else is concerned I'm not trying to avoid him and pretend he doesn't exist (so far I'm doing a horrible job). Sirius is already ripping into his gifts and Remus is neatly unwrapping his. I wonder why. Is he just a neat freak or did his parents require him to be neat and not make a mess on Christmas, that would be sad if he never knew the joy of tearing into a present. I suddenly want to make him rip into the one I got him, even if it was something as boring as a book (even if it is the entire serious of my favorite muggle story.) instead I ignore the feeling and star on mine. i start with the one that isn't labeled, it scares me but I don't know what to expect with the other two. Slowly I tear into it, not neatly like Remus but not excitedly like Sirius, I'm just opening it. It's a necklace. A choker actually made of black and dark blue and light blue lace and a sliver spider with a single small ruby on its back (like a black widow!) dangles down in the middle of it. Under the necklace is a small folded note with handwriting I don't recognize. This crosses out Micha on the list of possible suspects, and Rave, lily and Xay. I read the note.

_To my goddess of winter, _

_I love you. I can't tell you who I am because we cannot be together many forces hold us apart but know that I do love you, forever I will remain with you an forever will we have the purity of the snow, I will never look at it the same again. Thank you. when I saw this I immediately thought of you, I hope you love it and it is a big enough thanks for letting me see a little bit of the world threw your eyes I hope that one day you will let me see all of it. _

_-Ww_

Forever we will have the purity of the snow? This note is too confusing. I don't even want to try and figure out who it is. But love? Who could love me unless it really was Micha and he wanted to get back together or something. I wonder what Ww stood for. God life just keeps getting more and more confusing. Or someone was playing a trick on me. Yeah that seems more likely. The necklace is amazing though.

"Wow, who got you that?" Sirius asked looking at the box in my lap from his spot on the floor next to my feet.

"I don't know." I hand him the note. "It's probably some stupid joke." I say as he reads it.

"I don't know X it sounds like this guy really likes you. Do you know of any one with the initials W.W?" Sirius sounded a little worried. He probably thought this guy was stalking me or something.

"no." I say because I don't.

"Hmm. I'll try and see later. What are in your other two?"

"You know what's in one of them, you got if for me."

"Well open it and find out." I smile and set the note and the necklace off to the side. Remus reads the note and I secretly hope it makes him jealous but know that it won't.

"Sounds like this guy really does like you, Xstacie, are you going to wear it?" it's the first thing he's said all morning. I don't know if I will or not. If its some joke and I wear it then the persons going to think that I believe it and get a good laugh out of it, if it isn't a joke and this kid really thinks he' in love with me then I would be encouraging him but the necklace is really amazing and it looks kind of expensive and he must have put a lot of thought into it.

"Well are you?" Sirius asks again.

"Oh I don't know." I hadn't realized I had stopped opening his gift and was staring at the necklace deep in thought. "It's really pretty and SO my style. I really like it but…I don't know." I say and go back to my gift from Sirius; I don't feel like thinking about that right now.

Sirius had gotten me a muggle CD player with batteries and a CD of a German band I must have let slip that I liked.

"How did you get this?" was there a store in Hogsmead that sold muggle stuff? I don't know I don't usually go to hogsmaed that would be totally cool if there was though.

"It's a secret" he say and winks at me, I just smile because it's an amazing gift.

"I love it." I can't stop smiling, it's the best gift ever because Oomph is my favorite band and this is the only one of their CD's that I don't have.

"How did you know that this was the only CD by them that I don't have?"

"That's a secret too love, I have my ways." He winks again and I don't really want to think about him rummaging threw my stuff, that would ruin the greatness of the gift.

"Thank you for my gift by the way." He says.

"Yeah, you like it?" I wasn't sure if he would.

"It's perfect." It was a new, amazing leather jacket.

"Good."

"Thank you for mine too, Xstacie." Remus says his voice is soft. I turn to him and for a moment I forget that I want to hate him. He's holding the books in his hands.

"That's my favorite muggle series and I thought that you would really like them. I think that I actually relate a lot to the main character. They actually mean a lot to me, but I if you don't like them, that's fine I just thought you would, you know…" I was babbling then I remember that I want to hate him so I stop and relies he's smiling.

"Their great, especially since they're your favorite." I nod a little confused by that. Sirius clears his throat and I'm forced to look away from Remus' eyes.

"What?"

"I found this, it's for you. It was way back under the tree." I take it and read the card. It's from Micha.

"I don't want it." I say and toss it back to Sirius, hoping he'll dispose of it. He reads the card and nods, understanding who it was from. Remus looks back and forth between us, confused. So I turn to my last gift, the one from Remus. It's a tee shirt. It's black and on the front there is a large barcode and where the numbers are supposed to be it reads 'Robot'.

"wow." I say. It was so cool. Where did he find it? Probably from the same magically secret place Sirius got my Oomph CD. "Where'd you get it?" he just shrugs.

"You like it." Before I could stop myself, I hug him. I can't believe I did it but he hugged me back, a little awkwardly (probably because he has a freakin girlfriend what was it thinking?!) and chuckling.

"Good because I automatically thought of you when I saw it." He says when my brain starts functioning correctly again and I pull away from him.

**Nooooo! **

"Do you want me to throw it away? Or do you want to know what it is?" Sirius asks. We're in the room of requirements and other than this package showing up, this is the best Christmas ever.

"Give it there." I say taking it from him. I wish I was strong enough to throw it out. Suddenly I've lost all control of my hands. I stare down at the package, unmoving, terrified of what was inside.

"It's ok, X." Sirius says in a soothing voice, rubbing my arm. We were sitting on a couch, in front of a fire in the dark and his arm was around me comfortingly. We sit like that for a while, me just looking at the package with terror and him just waiting quietly for me to gather the little courage I have. Finally I open it. It's the photo album I had put together while we were together. I feel tears coming to my eyes as I pick it delicately from the box. Its medium sized with a lavender colored fabric cover. I had written in black marker 'Micha and X forever' on it and glued down black ribbons and tacked on cool buttons. A photo of him kissing me on the cheek was on the cover. I had looked happy, my eyes squinted almost all the way shut nada huge cheese smile on my face. That was back when he made me feel special ALL of the time. A note slide out of the book cover, I picked it up, setting the book on Sirius' lap and opened it with shaking hands.

_To my gothic princess,_

_I've been thinking about you, ever since I left. I'm sorry princess, I really messed us up and I've been wondering please take me back. we were perfect together. I thought this would help you decide if you saw how happy and perfect we were together, you'd forgive me and say yes. I want you back my princess of night._

_Love you always,_

_-Micha _

"Oh my god. What the hell?" Sirius yelled. "I can't believe this guy. Who does he think he is?" he looks at me, probably trying to guess what I was thinking. I just stared at the letter in my hands, my eyes wide.

"X, no you can't be thinking…" he moves in front of me with his hands on both of my arms, he looked deep into my eyes.

"You can't get back together with him!" he says. I know but it would be the perfect thing to get over Remus. If I'm hurting because of someone else then there won't be enough hurt for him, right?

"X I would treat you 100 times better than this guy, you can't go back to him."

"What? I say my voice cracks from lack of use. What was he talking about?

"I like you, X, and I don't want you to be hurt. I can take care of you." he says tenderly, while tucking some hair behind my ear and brushing his knuckles along my cheek.

"If you want I mean I could do way better than this guy ever could. Don't pick him over me." he says and I'm even more confused. When did all of this happen? All of a sudden everyone likes me? I can't take this. I need to be alone to think. I push his hands from the sides of my face and stand up.

"I need to be alone, I need to think." I say. What I need is to play to sing and this is the only place in the castle I can do that.

"please." I say.

"X, this guy-"

"Just go so I can think!" I snap at him. He looks like a kicked puppy, so sad and beaten down. But he nods and leaves. Immediately the room changes to a stage like it always does when we all come to play but it's only me right now so only my guitar and a microphone stand in the middle.

**Killing everything off inside.  
Make sense of everything you tried to hide...  
Hide from me! **

I decide to think that the necklace is a prank but I'm going to wear it any because I like it and I don't care if the person who gave it to me thinks I actually am stupid enough to believe they like me. Now, about the Micha and Sirius thing, either one could be a distraction for the Remus thing but I don't want Micha and I can't see myself with Sirius. I don't want either of them because I only want Remus. I don't know what I'm going to do about that but I'm starving and its dinner time and I can't stay in here forever.

The great hall is mostly empty because everyone is still on break. Remus and Sirius are sitting in the middle of the mostly empty Gryffindor table. Remus sees me first and smiles. Damn, I was hoping I could just grab a plate and ditch with out being noticed.

"X come sit." Sirius says when he sees me. He looks fine, happy, like nothing in the RoR ever affected him. That makes me feel better that it wont be completely awkward. I sit next to him and fill my plate. We eat silently and when Remus gets up and leaves for the library, Sirius whispers in my ear.

"Did you decide yet?" and he gathers my hair and puts it behind my shoulders. He kind of makes me feel safe, where Micha makes me feel uneasy like he could decide to hit me any second. But I don't know if I want to choose either of them. I wish Remus was a choice, I would just choose him. So instead of keeping all of this to myself like I normally would and tell him to shove it, I tell him all of it (except the Remus part, I tell him everything I thought in the RoR.)

"It's just overwhelming." I finish. "I don't know if I want either of you."

"Would it help if you knew what I thought?" I shrug. I don't know what can ever help me.

"Let's go back to the RoR to talk." He says and takes my hand and leads me back to the room of requirements. We sit in the same room we did when we were here about the package, but he doesn't have his arm around me and we're sitting on opposite ends of the couch facing each other.

"Everything on the train you said was true and the more I thought about it the more I knew it was true and I wanted to fix it but I didn't know how to. I told you that I was thinking about it that night because I wanted you to help me, because I thought that you could tell em what was right and what was wrong because what you thought seemed to become important to me now, but then you made it sound like you didn't care, and maybe you didn't but I hurt me so I hated you. I wanted you to hurt the way you made me hurt and I didn't want what you thought to be important. But it was. And ever since I have been getting to know you I've been falling more and more for you." he reaches out and plays with a strand of my hair, twisting it around his finger. "I didn't want to say anything until I thought you thought I was a good guy but I just, I can't let you go back to Micha."

"I don't care…about Micha anymore Sirius." I say, maybe the entire time I knew I wouldn't pick Micha even if Sirius wouldn't have said anything, because I knew I wouldn't be able to be strong around Micha and I so want to be strong. Micha would just tare me down again and while that would probably take my mind off Remus, it could have just made it worse. I don't want to hurt at all anymore. Can Sirius make me not hurt? I don't know.

"I-I don't know."

**My heart bleeds no more;  
Now, it's been turned to stone.  
Your stomach feels sick for someone else.  
I've broken both my legs falling for you.  
Smash me on the ground! **

**Haha cliffhanger!! Lol sorry guys the next will be up momentarily!**


	13. Chapter 13

Ch 13.

I don't own harry potter.

Remus pov! Yay!

Living dead girl by rob zombie (I love this song!)

**Who is this irritable creature, **

**who has an insatiable love for the dead?  
Living Dead Girl!**

Weeks. She doesn't talk to me fore weeks. It's horrible. I can't stand it and I hate myself. She seems torn down and ripped to pieces when she thinks she's alone and when she's not she harsher and meaner then ever. She seems to connect herself to Sirius more now, they are forever next to each other and I hate how my heart feels like it's breaking every time his arm is around her and she smiles up at him.

Its not all bad with Anna, I can't bring myself to break it ff with her even though I know I should and I hate myself for leading her on. She's sweet and she puts up with rude things X Stacie says to her everyone in a while, other than that Xstacie doesn't even look at her either. She locks pretty much everyone out, everyone except Sirius, lily, rave and Xay (though he's around less and less now-a-days.) Anna even told me one day that she knew that I had feelings for Xstacie. 'Everybody has that one person they want to be with but can't. Yours just happens to be her. I don't mind. I have my person also, he just happens to be dead.' She said to me and I was happy that she understand and I know she would understand when and if I break up with her, we are both just keeping each other company until that day comes, but I still feel awful about it, she deserves better.

**Rage in the cage  
And piss upon the stage  
There's only one sure way  
To bring the giant down  
Defunct the strings  
Of cemetary things  
With one flat foot  
On the devil's wing**

Its Christmas time so Sirius is always in the most unbecoming excited moos known to man. He drags me to Hogsmead to do the Christmas shopping; we'll send peters' and James' to them tonight. In a way I love that Sirius can get so excited about the holidays but it's really annoying because he doesn't shut up about it.

"Ok X is covered lets find Peters', he's so hard to shop for." I laugh.

"I'll catch up I want to find something for Anna." It's not exactly a lie, I do need to find something for Anna but I want to get something for Xstacie that tells her I love her, I already have a plan. I get Anna the book she had wanted but couldn't afford, then I set out to find Xstacie' gift.

After we're done shopping, we head back to the common room, after sending of James' and peters' gifts.

"X darling!" Sirius says bursting into the common room. I roll my eyes and try to ignore the word 'darling'. "Did you miss me?" he asks. I sit in an arm chair near the fire. No. I want her to say no.

"Always love." I know she's just playing along but it still hurts.

"So, X, my love what did you get me for Christmas?"

"Nothing." That makes me happy, but she keeps his arm around her shoulders and I want to push it off and hold her close to me.

"I don't like Christmas." She says.

"What? Why?" Sirius and I ask at the same time. Has Christmas never been a good experience for her? it makes me want to show her the best Christmas ever, but I don't know how especially if she keep avoiding me. She's very good at avoiding me; nobody has noticed that she is even doing it. She glares.

"Just because, Anyway I never triad gifts with lily or rave or Xay, we just don't do it so don't get me anything." Sirius frowns.

"Too late honey and you are going to love it!" he says and kisses her forehead. I want to punch him and at the same time I'm jealous because I want to be able to kiss her even if it is just on the forehead. I would do it all the time if I could. Sirius runs up stairs with our bags leaving me alone with her and I want to talk to her but she just crosses her arms and I know she really doesn't want to talk to me, so I keep my mouth shut because if that's going to keep her happy then fine, I'll never talk to her again even if it tares me apart inside.

**Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl**

I need to talk to her. I just have to, I can't stay away from her. I take out the map and find her heading into the kitchens, so I fallow. I find her sitting at a counter with a ton of sweets set out on a ton of plates in front of her. I've never known she had a sweet tooth.

"Wow. That's a lot of sugar." I say. She turns.

"So what." Her voice cut like a knife. I sit next to her.

"What do you want?" her voice is voice stony and cold.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I need to know.

"None of your business." At least she doesn't try and lie, try to tell me that she's not. She knows I know.

"Xstacie…" I say and I want to tell her how I feel and I want to kiss her and I want to hold her but I can't. She leaves. I sit for a long time after she left and eat the sweets she let behind and probably really wanted. I wonder if I had said soemthig if she would have stayed.

**Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl**

Christmas day Sirius has me awake at eight in the morning, which is early for him, and says we can't pen presents until X is up. We wait for about five minutes until he decides she's taking too long and goes and wakes her up.

"Put. Me. down. Black."

"Nope." I hear along with foot prints coming down the stairs. I turn to see Xstacie still in shorts and a tank top with her blanket still wrapped around her and trailing behind them, he has her in his arms and hers are wrapped tightly around his neck even though it kills me to see them like that I laugh like it doesn't matter because she looks pissed and pleased to be waken up.

Sirius sets her next to me on the couch, sorts out the presents and takes a seat near her feet on the floor.

"Present time!" He says and rips the paper off of his. I neatly start to unwrap mine. I see out of the corner of my eye, Xstacie is looking at all the tags on the gifts. She picks up the one from 'nobody' and starts to unwrap it. I feel myself getting nervous. She stares att he necklace for a while and I think that she doesn't like it, but then she reads the note and stares at it for a while.

"Wow, who got you that?" Sirius asked looking at the box in her lap.

"I don't know." I hand him the note. "It's probably some stupid joke." My heart breaks when she says that. It's not; it is so not a joke. I do love her. maybe it's not as good of an idea as I thought. I just hope she wears it, I would love to see her wear it.

"I don't know X it sounds like this guy really likes you. Do you know of any one with the initials W.W?" Sirius said. I wonder what he really thinks about it. He's probably pissed.

"no." she says and I'm glad I didn't use my initials.

"Hmm. I'll try and see later. What are in your other two?"

"You know what's in one of them, you got if for me."

"Well open it and find out." She sets the note and necklace aside. I read the note to make it look like I'm curious then I ask the question I'm dying to ask.

"Sounds like this guy really does like you, Xstacie, are you going to wear it?" please wear it. Please. She stares at the necklace for a while, not saying anything and Sirius asks her the question again.

"Oh I don't know." She says and my heart breaks even more. "It's really pretty and SO my style. I really like it but…I don't know." I'm so glad that she at least likes it.

"How did you get this?" she sounds so excited

"It's a secret" he says and winks at her and she smiles.

"I love it."

"How did you know that this was the only CD by them that I don't have?"

"That's a secret too love, I have my ways." He winks again and she lets it go. I sigh inwardly. She's so happy with him.

"Thank you for my gift by the way." He says.

"Yeah, you like it?" she asks, unsure.

"It's perfect." She got him a leather jacket, which is perfect for Sirius.

"Good."

"Thank you for mine too, Xstacie." my voice is soft because I feel broken down. She turns to me and to my surprise actually speaks with out a harsh tone.

"That's my favorite muggle series and I thought that you would really like them. I think that I actually relate a lot to the main character. They actually mean a lot to me, but I if you don't like them, that's fine I just thought you would, you know…" she says and it makes them the best gift in the world. After I read them we would have shared something and since she feels related to the main character then maybe I can understand her a little more. She the world threw her eyes a little more.

"Their great, especially since they're your favorite." She nods and Sirius clears his throat making her look at him and I hate that he has a sort of power over her.

"What?"

"I found this, it's for you. It was way back under the tree." She looks at the tag and throws the box back at him.

"I don't want it." She says and turns to the gift that she knows is from me.

"Wow, where'd you get it?" I just shrug because Sirius doesn't want to tell her.

"You like it?" I ask and she takes me by surprise again and hugs me. I don'

T know what to do, she just goes from ignoring to me to hugging me. I pat her on the back and chuck at how animated she is over it. "Good because I automatically thought of you when I saw it." I say when she pulls away.

**Raping the geek  
And hustling the freak  
Like a hunchback juice  
On a sentimental noose  
Operation filth  
They love to love the wealth  
Of an SS Whore  
Making scary sounds**

Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl

She and Sirius disappear for a while so I lock my self in the library and start reading the first book in the series to try and not think about what they might or might not be doing.

**Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl**

Psyclone Jack  
Hallucinating Hack  
Thinks Donna Reed  
Eats dollar bills  
Goldfoot machine  
Creates another fiend  
So Beautiful,  
They make you kill

I don't see them again until dinner but even then they don't talk and I feel something is between them. I go to the library and try to pretend I didn't notice their awkwardness.

**Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl**

Crawl on me  
Sink into me  
Die for me  
Living Dead Girl

Sirius tells me that the gift was from an ex boyfriend of hers and that he wants her back so he told her that he liked her and now she's trying to decide if she's going to choose one of them or not. It's the worst feeling in the world that I feel right now.

"I really like her moony." He says and I can tell that he really does.

"What bout the other guy?"

"What other guy?"

"The one that gave her the necklace." I hope this works.

"Oh she decided it was probably a joke but she's gonna wear it anyway because se likes it." I nod. Well at least she'll wear it. I guess I can't really hurt right now because I have Anna and I'm not really supposed to like Xstacie. I just hope she says no, but if she's happy with him then fine, as long as he keeps her happy.

**Blood on her skin  
Dripping with Sin  
Do it again  
Living Dead Girl**

Blood on her skin  
Dripping with Sin  
Do it again  
Living Dead Girl 

_**Ok so kinda crappy I know but I don't really know if I want her with Sirius or not! I can't decide tell em what you think. **_


	14. Chapter 14

Ch. 14

I don't own Harry potter.

Animal I have become by three days grace (this song is way over played but idc I wanted to put it on here.)

**I can't escape this hell  
So many times I've tried  
But I'm still caged inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**

I don't know why I even had to think about it. My answer was so obvious! No. to both of them, how could I have even needed to think abut it for a second? I'm not attracted to Sirius and it's so obvious I'm still terrified of Micha (even though I would never admit that out loud). This whole Remus thing must have been putting a cloud over me, making me confused and hurt but I'm done, I'm so done.

Step one to becoming done forever: say no to Micha, Which is probably the hardest step to do. I plan to send him a howler and burn the book but that's just a plan, all of that is easier said than accomplished.

I stand in front of the mirror and just look at myself. The purple hair, the wide blue eyes, Pale skin, I look exactly like I did when Micha controlled me. Does that mean he still controls me? No. I won't let him control me. He will not control me anymore. I have to release myself fro his control, and I know how to do that. I pick up my wand and close my eyes, tapping my wand on my head I say an incantation and when I open my eyes my hair is the color of snow. The exact color. White. Whiter than my skin. I nod determined to get out of his grasp. I already wrote the howler, it's just about sending it now. I head into the common room, it's empty. I have no idea where neither Sirius nor Remus are off to. I walk briskly to the owlrey, trying to keep hold of my courage the whole time. It's when I get to the top of the stone steps that lead into the owlery I slow to a stop. I stare at the owls, unseeing. I stay there for a while, frozen to the floor. I have to do this. I can't be scared. I take small, slow, even steps in the direction of the owls and pick one at random, a brown barn owl that belongs to the school. Shakily I let the bird take the letter in its beak and before I can stop it, it flies right out of the window. I take several deep breaths and just stand there for a while. I smile. I feel great, like the weight on my shoulders is lighter. I run out of the owlery and back to my dorm. Next is the book. It's silly how I thought I could burn it, how I thought I could be liberated from him, how I thought I could be strong. I hide the book at the bottom of my trunk and let a few tears slide down my cheeks. Ignoring the fact that he might still have control over me because I was to weak to burn the book, I set off to find Sirius.

I find him in his dorm room, tossing a quafel **[ok I know that's spelled wrong but idk how to spell It.]** in the air.

"X! Your hair!" he exclaims, when he sees me. The quaffel falls out of the air with a thud on the floor. I smile. The white was supposed to symbolize purity, but I'm not pure, not if I can't burn that book, but maybe even if I could burn that book I would never be pure, maybe I was just kidding myself.

"no." I say. "My answer is no." his face falls and he looks a lot like a kicked puppy and it kind of makes me want to give in, but I stay strong.

"You're not going to…"

"No I don't chose wither of you." he hides his hurt well, but I can see it still, in his cool blue eyes he is hurting.

"Good. That's all that matters." He says in his normal cool, but suave voice. I want to tell him I can still see that he is hurt but why? Why should I take that from him? If I can pretend Micha doesn't control me cant he pretend that I didn't hurt him?

**So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal, this animal**

Remus was surprised when he saw my hair, but then he smiled and told me it looked like the snow. It made me feel like he understood what I was going for, that I wanted more than anything to be pure, to be pure because he deserved someone pure because he was pure but I'm not pure and who was I kidding? He is pure, like the purest thing capable of touching earth; snow. I'm the impurest substance on earth, we could never work, we would never fit, and it can never be. Anna, is she pure? Is that why he likes her? I'll have to pay closer attention to her when they all come back from break tomorrow.

I'm glad I figured out that Remus and I could never be. Maybe now it will stop hurting to see them together. If she is pure and he is definitely pure then they fit, then they will work and that is fine, but that makes me think, if I'm impure and Micha is definitely impure does that mean we fit? I don't want to thin about that.

**I can't escape myself  
So many times I've lied  
But there's still rage inside  
Somebody get me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself**

Lily and rave and Xay all flip a shit about my hair. The question most asked; 'is this my natural hair color?' No my hair is a dull wheat color, like my fathers. I tell them all this minus the father part. Xay was lucky, he has mothers black hair. I would much rather have her hair (even if I do loathe her) then have his. Even Anna says it looks like snow, which leads me to the conclusion that she is pure and they do fit. I smiled at her and said thanks.

We all gather in the common room and they all talk about their breaks and lily and James become inseparable. Lily also says we'll have a practice tonight that she thinks we need to add a couple more songs to our performance for the end of the year dance to take up our slot. She has decided that since she is dating James that she doesn't want to play the whole night, we will play for about two and a half hours then we will have a CD player (one of those big huge boom box like ones) play for the other two and a half hours. She says she has CD's all planed out and set up and some one will just have to be up there and change them. As long as we get to play I could care less. I made the mistake of telling her this.

"Oh great X. you can be the one to change the CD's out!" she said, clapping her hands together with enjoyment. I glare that's just great.

**So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become**

After three long hours of not playing and trying to think up some new song ideas, I'm the one put in charge of witting the songs, not that I mind, I like writing our songs, its just I would have liked to at least played for a little while. I'm sitting in front of the common room fire with a notebook on my lap and a muggle pin and it's probably about three in the morning.

"Hey, you still up writing those songs?" I turn to see Rave with his fluffy blue and black fur blanket wrapped around him. I nod and he sits next to me.

"You don't have to write them tonight. It's only January you know, the dance isn't for another four or five months." I nod again.

"I can't sleep." He nods.

"So why the hair changes?" he asks after a couple of minutes in silence. I shrug and am grateful that he leaves it alone; I really didn't want to explain it to him.

"What do you think about Remus nad Anna?" I ask after a decent time between his question and mine.

"Oh my gosh don't get me started!" he says and I smile.

"They are all wrong for each other! They look SO wrong together, I mean what are they thinking?

"I think they fit." I mumble. I want him to be right but I can't let him be or I'll hurt again.

"Are you blind?!" he exclaims. Maybe asking him what eh thought wasn't a good idea; he's getting my hopes up.

"I already know who his perfect match is. I've seen them next to each other several times and they look perfect" before I could ask him who he cuts me off. "But I'm not jinxing it and I'm SO not telling you or anyone else. They'll have to figure it out on their own!" I roll my eyes and he winks at me.

"I think I can go to bed now." I say.

"night." He says as I disappear up the girls' stairs. Maybe rave is right, maybe they don't fit.

**Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal**

Somebody help me through this nightmare  
I can't control myself  
Somebody wake me from this nightmare  
I can't escape this hell

Classes suck even more now since we've been paired up in potions class to do some stupid project. Guess who I'm paired with. Just guess. The devil is against me. Remus lupin smiles at me as I make my way over to his table.

"Hey." He says. I just flip my book open to the page and get to work.

"Your not going to start ignoring me again are you?" he says. I make the mistake of looking him in the eyes. They're sad, don't be sad; but I have to be strong.

"We're partners, I can't exactly avoid you now can I?" with a deep sigh he turns to his book and reads out the instructions for the potion.

In my other classes I focus on my songs, I don't really care about the work. I wrote one about Micha in transfiguration and when I showed it to lily in ancient runes, she said it was too depressing to play at the dance but we could still add music to it later but our main focus was the dance right now.

"Write something people are going to want to dance to, something they will relate to, something happy." Happy. I'm not happy, how could she ask me to write something that is?

"fine." I stay up late that night thinking of what to write about.

"Hey, what're you doing up?" I turn to see Remus. The light from the fire eliminates him and I'm once again reminded of how pure he is.

"Insomnia." I remind him and close my notebook so he can't see my brainstorms.

"What's that?" I remember that he is also nosey.

"nothing." He nods. After alot of silence he speaks.

"Lily and James seem closer than ever." I nod, and then I get this really cool idea.

"That's perfect." I say and run up the stairs to my dorm. I'll write the song about lily and James. Fire and ice, they are opposites and perfect for each other, she is fire and he is that which tames her.

**This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal  
This animal, this animal  
This animal**

So what if you can see the darkest side of me  
No one will ever change this animal I have become  
Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become

"Wow." Lily says after she reads it. "It's amazing. Where'd you get the inspiration for this?" I think of Remus last night and her and James but I just shrug.

"Well it's perfect. I think it should be a slow song with not a lot of drumming. Maybe a lot of base…" and she's off and there is no stopping her now. at first we have me with my guitar, playing small pieces of light short sounds but then by the end I don't have the guitar and I'm only singing. The Base has the most pieces and lily just taps lightly on one of her symbols threw the whole song and the guitar is the same thing I played but it wasn't me playing it any more. The song turns out good and I like it and it really makes me think of lily and James because lily is still in the background screaming. The screaming is the fire and the music is that which tames the fire.

By the time we're finished it's about four in the morning but we're all too wired to go to bed, so we sit up around the fire after changing into our school uniform fro later and wait until the sunrises to get breakfast.

"So really X who is that song about? Is there someone you like?" Rave asks. I glare.

"No it's about lily and James." Lily blushes.

"Really? I laugh lightly.

"Yeah." I want to tell them that Remus gave me the idea but I keep my mouth shut.

"Well it's perfect for the show." Lily says trying to hide her embarrassment.

**Help me believe it's not the real me  
Somebody help me tame this animal!  
This animal I have become**


End file.
